Healing the divided self

    So, here I am again, a week later--practically a record for me! ;-) At least, lately my track record has been far from regular, but feel that that trend is shifting, as I have had a lot of excitement about writing again over this past week.  And tonight I definitely have something to write about, something about which I am simultaneously (or alternately) excited, confident and nervous.

   So, tomorrow I will be giving my 2nd ever open house talk at the Baltimore Shambhala Center.  That, in itself, is enough to provoke nervousness and excitement, I daresay.  (I am relatively new to this whole "teaching the dharma" thing, and my four Taurus planets do NOT appreciate anything that is new and uncertain.) The topic for tomorrow's talk will be "Healing the Divided Self". 

    This topic, and my opportunity to give a 2nd talk, both came about in response to a lunch meeting that I had with our new center director on Tuesday.  Joe started his post this past May, and I immediately felt a shift in the energy of the center, which (again) simultaneously excited me and made me nervous.  Over the past few months, I have had opportunities to talk, plan and brainstorm with him numerous times--even assistant/co-teach an improv class with him over the summer.  (Joe has professional experience as a comedienne, so he led the classic improv activities, as well as giving the main talks and meditation instruction, while I chipped in with some movement and sound improv work.  Overall, it went really well.)  So, when I was doing lunch him a few days ago, we started out by talking over some personal material that was happening in our lives, and I gave him a sort of "energetic"/intuitive impression of something that was surfacing as a pattern for him.  He then asked me, "Well, if you were going to title what you were just talking about for an open house talk, what would you call it?"--to which I thought for a bit and the answer popped into my head: "I think I would call it, 'Healing the divided self'."  Little did I know that, an hour later, he would ask me to teach the main body of tomorrow's talk!


    My Taurus self doesn't always do exceptionally well with sudden surprise shifts in plans (for example, giving a last minute talk ;-)), so I told Joe I need a little bit of time to chew on the idea.  Taurus is the sign of "fixed earth" and so it's biggest talent is to plant itself in some kind of commitment, or plan, or way of being and not move--not ever.  (This "talent" can also be a hindrance, if you haven't guessed that yet.)  But other parts of me--maybe my Neptune + Midheaven in Sagittarius (sign of the teacher, adventurer and guru) were very excited about the prospect, so I plumbed inside myself to give Joe a definite "yes" or "no" today for the talk, and found that--yes, it was definitely doable, and a worthwhile endeavor, as long as I was willing to coach myself through some nervousness and expand through this new teaching window.

    And so, yes, my excitement and nervousness has been due, in large part, to this new endeavor of "dharmic teaching".  But there's more to it than that.  Another reason has been that the topic is so deeply relevant to my own life--so, so personal.  In fact, for as long as I can remember--and definitely since my high school years--I have deeply sought to understand and to develop more confidence in myself as an individual:  I have not felt "whole" or "worthy"--anything but.  Some examples: I desperate wanted to "fit in" with others, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how.  I also wanted to stand out, to find some unique gift that would become "my voice" and earn me recognition.  I wanted to be a "good girl", to passionately be involved in the church community, but was also plagued with doubt about who God was and whether he was judging me as unworthy.  And perhaps, in a parallel dilemma, I wanted to earn the love and respect of my dad, but also claim my right to make my own choice and determine the course of my life (e.g., who to date, where to go to college, when to go to bed, etc., etc.)


    In the years following, the results of these initial insecurities, and my own insistent need to discover things for myself, played themselves out.  And, so I would many things to fret over:whether I believed in God or any religion (I was basically agnostic for about 10 years), which career might be the one for me, whom I should date, whom I should trust, whether I should marry, etc., etc.  I think, in my almost continuous state of anxiety I believed that there were some "right choices", some "perfect matches", some "ultimate truths" out there, and I just hadn't found them yet.   And so, I would keep looking for the next book, the next person, the next understanding, the next experience to "shift everything" and make my life apparent to me.

    But, strangely, it never really worked for me that way, and so I would just settle into "good enough": a good enough career, or relationship, or spiritual path.  But somehow, that still was not satisfying--so I would keep my eye continually out to the horizon, to the next thing, but also work hard at pleasing those that were in authority in my life.  Because, I think, I was looking for the "badge of recognition" that would prove that I was worthy, that I was okay.

    And then, in 2007, I had a breakthrough.  Or, as some would call it, a breakdown.  Without going into excruciating detail, suffice to say that I spent a few days in a mental hospital.  And I had some strange ideas that would float through my head from time to time (initially paranoia, also grandiosity), but in between the noise, there would be this AMAZING clarity, this information, this love that would flow through me.  It was God, it was Source, and after 10 years of confusion and doubt, I suddenly had a relationship with Divinity again.  I started writing poetry from a place that was pure and unfiltered, utterly without censorship or division.  Amazing.  Later, I would learn to perform, to heal, to teach from this place.  

    My intuitive awakening put me in a bit of a quandary, though, as somehow who had more or less committed to the Buddhist path.  How could I talk about this stuff? Oh, I've tried, a handful of times over the years.  I've tried talk about God, or intuition, or reiki/energy healing, but my intuitive world and my Buddhist commitment have often clashed, at least when brought into the same discussion, and that has left me at a bit of a standstill.  It has left me feeling like I needed to choose.  Divided again.

     But this year has been the year of healing these divides, for me.  I have been doing a LOT of healing: healing of myself, healing of my relationships, healing of the need for constant validation from friends, from audiences, from authority figures.  This has been my ongoing work, and you have caught glimpses of it--in my entry about working with anger, or about Eris, or about healing the Chironic wound.  At other times, my internal split has been too strong and I have not written at all: either because I was too busy committing to "outer world" projects to commit to my writing, or because I was feeling very internally divided, or because I was feeling depressed and questioning the whole point of writing.  This summer and early fall has also been very intense in the realms of healing interpersonal relationships and my own tendency to "over-give".   And September was sort of my "last straw".  Last month, just after Mars entered Leo and I wrote my one entry for the month, I came down with shingles, a nerve condition (born of the chicken pox virus) that can wrack you with some incredible pain (for starters).  I was lucky that it was easily treated in my case, but still--it was a wake up call as to how I had not been listening to my own needs for time, for decompression, and care, and rest.

    And so, this is not to say that my own divisions are gone and dealt with, that they are all healed.  I am still working on that piece--and in working, I mean, learning to trust in myself and the universe. ;-) But I am feeling more solid, more stable every day, and I am excited to share my own experience with others, to validate that they too are perfectly okay, exactly as they are.  Last week's blog entry--in which I emerged through a difficult and very sensitive period to write directly from my soul and deeper knowing--is a validation to me that my internal wisdom can and will speak through me, even when I do not know what to say, even when I doubt that I am worthy of speaking.  And, so, I am thankful as always for this source that flows through me and sustains me.  And though I will create a plan for my talk tomorrow, I will also trust that my heart and soul will know exactly what to say.   

    Namaste.

The wisdom is in here (somewhere).

Today, unlike, last time, I am not being swept along on the breath of fire.  It has been a long and winding month since I last wrote, and I have been through many experiences: illness, communion, desolation, vacation.  I have rested; I have been moved; and still, I have been left bone dry, with nothing to show for journey.  Not really.  And so, I am not sure of what to write.  But  still. . . the impulse is there, the itch.  And it has been a long time coming.  And so, I will write.  And  I will trust the voice of wisdom, the wisdom that is hidden in me, somewhere.

It seeks a voice, this wisdom, and I will be it's servant.  It has it's way, it has it's tales, and who am I to question? For it knows more than me. . . This, in fact, scares me.  My mind, it believes it knows so much.  But this force--this force which seems totality irrational, it knows far more than my mind.  It will show me everything that it knows, too--but only if I can trust it completely, only if I can show up with no pretense.  Only if I can lay down every weapon and make no demands.  Not even the demand of reassurance.

This wisdom. . . Oh, she has a name.  Did I forget to say this? She is Lilith.  She is the wild heartbeat that demands my utter surrender, my utter abandon, my complete non-judgement.  She is Sophia, the whisperer of secrets, who illuminates my mind unexpectedly with x-ray vision when I am wandering in the Cave of Shadows.  She is Eris, the fearless one, the one who will not sugar-coat things for you, who will not play nice and sit quiet and act like the other girls.  She is Venus, the seductive, charming beauty who knows the way of pleasure, who knows when to partake, when to listen and when to hold her peace.  She is all of these; she is more than these; she is me; she is you.

This wisdom. . . Oh, she surprises me.  I never know when she will shower me with grace, when she will coax me into abandon, when she will help me find my stride, when she will comfort me, when she will lead me to rest.  And yet, I do know that she will bless me.  Anytime I listen.  That is the sum of it; that is all.  Anytime I listen, she is there, without fail.  Oh, what a miracle.  Oh, what a blessing.  This goddess of wisdom.  My own inner fountain.  Always available, always nourishing.  Always there for me.  Never separate from me.  Om, shanti, shanti, shanti.

The fire that ignites us to passion, purpose and performance

     I love ecstatic experience.  I crave it.  I also have an intention to ground myself more, to come more into the (often very messy) details of my life and create practical change and order.  Am I finding these two attitudes to be contradictory? Sometimes. . . Yes.  But in the grand scheme of things? Absolutely not.  Allow me to explain:

     Case one is this blog.  My original intention with this blog was to write every week.  Instead, I haven't written since June. . . Three months! I've recommitted myself to regular writing in the past and it just hasn't stuck.  I could give excuses.  Say how busy and crazy the summer was.  How it's hard to translate the difficult moments of my life onto the page while being immersed in them.  (There's a desire not to betray the people or institutions in my life that I have struggled with and also a plain old fear of embarrassment.) I could ruminate about how I never set a regular day of the week to write and so it's easy to see how I would "fail" in this endeavor, not be so regular as the "every day for 30 days" project that I attempt.  It's easy to wallow in excuses, in ruminations, in self-flagellation.  What brings me out of it? Inspiration.


     Inspiration is what puts a song in my heart, what sets me singing and dancing around the house.  Inspiration is what gives me a vision, a purpose.  Inspiration is joy, the reason for living, the impetus to reach out and connect with other people in some meaningful, or even silly!, way.  It is the reason to be out there, in the world.  It is the reason to be myself and follow my heart.  It is the fire, the spark of life.  It's the reason I perform, the reason why I teach, the reason why I created my album "Natural Surreality".

     To bring in an astrological perspective: The planet Mars went into the sign of Leo late last night.  I spent the last bit of the evening laughing and, playfully, verbally sparring with my husband--not in a negative way at all, just good, un-self-conscious fun.  (Proceeded with, and followed by, lots of cuddles.) The kind of thing that brought us together.  Today, I've been enjoying a morning off (I teach on weekend mornings, so today is kind of my weekend morning): watching videos on YouTube, snuggling with my cats, singing/playing piano and now writing this blog.  Elementally, Leo is the sign of "fixed" (meaning, enduring) fire.  It's also the sign that rules performing, self-expression and just plain having fun, being like a kid again.  And I welcome this new energy.  Thanks, Mars in Leo!

     Fire, or inspiration is so essential.  It's the reason why I was able to move out of self-absorbed "stuckness" (one possible negative manifestation of Mars in Cancer, which is a water sign) to write this blog today.  I had been wanting to write for a while, but not sure what about or how to communicate something "worthwhile" and personally meaningful.  Then, last Sunday, while sitting under a tree, meditating and invoking the energy of the beautifully full moon (in the sign of Pisces, my "home", or natal, moon sign), I felt filled with joy and peace.  And the first inspiration came: "I could blog again.  I feel ready to write." 

      Then, it was a just a matter of either: a) going immediately with that feeling (allowing the "charge" from that experience to charge my own writing) or  b) setting aside (proactive) or "finding" (passive) time to do the blog post.  I didn't immediately go with the feeling then (the fire-y thing to do) or set aside the time (the earthy, grounded thing to do) but the stage was set.  And luckily, today I had the same opportunity.  I was running on the relaxed but pleasant charge of an open Leonine-infused morning, and then sat down to make my list of things to do this week, over a late breakfast (cue earthy, Virgo-an practically and paying attention to the body).  Blogging was one of the things on the list.  So, when the inspiration popped into my head (I crave ecstatic expereience.  I am also trying hard to ground myself. . . Are they things contradictory?"), and I realized I had the free time, I decided to go with it. 

     I've been playing (there that's Leo word again!) with joining fire and earth more, with acknowledging and following the inspiration: not just to sing, but to make lists, to put away that pile of papers, to call/text that person I haven't gotten back to and let them know I care (there's some water/air too), to make a sorting system for my incoming bills, to respond to the e-mails I've been ignoring, to compliment someone and not hold back, to hug someone I care about. . . . To go hiking! (That's earthy/firey, moving the body, stimulating health, feeding my soul.) So, yeah, in inspired style, I've listed some things that are very earthy and practical (doing the bills list) along with some things that are more about air/water (reaching out and connecting with others).  But the point is that fire, inspiration, can ignite it all! And I'm finding that to be the case in my life.

     Now, I will acknowledge that not everything feels so inspired to me (like, sitting down to do my taxes before the extension deadline this year, or logging my mileage every day after driving).  Some things involve top-down decision making, planning, a willingness to be patient and bear with a difficult process.  This is all very relevant and I honor the willingness and necessity of slugging through the trenches, not turning away from the tough stuff.  I'm all about that too.

     But today, this week, I wanted to hold that special place for fire, for how it moves and shapes and inspires.  I am so grateful to have a wind underneath my feet and a reason to write today, as I start my week.  Here's wishing all of you a wonderful, blessed and, most of all, inspired, week this week.  Namaste.

And now, returning

      And so, here I am again, not totally sure what I will write about, but feeling it is time to write.  I do know that the tone will probably be a lot different than last time I wrote: The astro-geek side of me notes that, on the last day that I wrote, the planetoid/asteroid Chiron (representing the archetype of the wounded healer) was stationing, e.g., at a "stand still" while changing from forward motion in the sky to retrograde motion in the sky.  Planets do tend to exhibit greater than usual power when stationing, and, in this case, Chiron was, for me, bringing up a lot of old wounds that were ready to be healed.  I certainly plunged into this process on that day, in terms of choosing to write about the loaded emotional/transformational journey that I had been undergoing over the recent months, and so I apologize if it was a "bit much" to read.  It certainly felt cathartic and healing to me to get that energy "off my chest", so to speak.

     . . . Today I do not feel nearly as "loaded" and I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for a lot of things, actually, and so maybe that would be a good thing to begin writing about.  I am grateful for my husband and for my friends and family--so deeply, deeply grateful for those who are willing to show up and be honest, loving and emotionally available.  I am grateful for the abundance of musical opportunities that have been coming my way: 10 gigs in June!--including a solo opening for an out-of-town duo, and a lucrative private engagement for a lovely elderly couple, plus an upcoming show in NYC (a first).  It really is astounding, the things that are pouring in.  And most of all, I am grateful, so, so grateful, that life is so forgiving--that I am really learning that I can boldly be my authentic self and this is okay, that I can have a vision and others will support it, that I can relax and enjoy myself in almost any situation.  It is a beautiful thing to discover.  I am so, so blessed.  In practical terms, I have a lot of responsibility right now, and a lot of things to attend to, but that is okay.  That does not nullify or obscure the blessing that life is.  I trust that there is an inner compass within me that knows exactly what needs to be done, and how, if I choose to listen to it, to settle down and pay attention.

     So yeah, that's sort of the really, really basic overview.  Another thing that I'm investigating right now are my dreams--and what does it take to go from being a "pie in the sky" individual to someone who actually, passionately, lives their dreams and follows through on a real and practical level.  So, I'm asking myself the question, what is it that I really want to do, that I'm passionate about? And then, different answers come up.  There are some things that are obvious, that I'm already doing--performing creative music for an audience, as an example.  Giving astrology consultations.  Dancing and singing.  Healing work--especially transformative healing work (e.g., work that involves personal change on a deep level).  And teaching--particularly in fostering the creativity and unique voice of another individual, giving them tools to help them develop themselves.  (Right now, my teaching vehicle is as a music teacher.)

   But I feel like I'm about to move into a very important stage in my life, and this is why the simplification and clarification and grounding--along with vision!--are sooo necessary.  I am moving out of the stage of personal, private healing and explorations, and into the stage of working more meaningfully with other people, while, at the same time finding my own unique voice and vision.

   I can intuitively feel this transition, I am in the process of it, and yet the way is still nebulous to me.  BUT. . . I do feel like it has a lot to do with learning to work in a deeply collaborative way in order to more strongly affect change in myself and others.  And more deeply and consistently putting myself into situations where I can use my "sixth sense" of intuitively finding harmony and balance and putting it into practice.  Also, I know it involves my ability to teach--both directly, and by example (e.g., embodying/demonstrating a principle).  I know that the work that I need to do involves music--singing it and moving to it in authentic but nuanced ways.  And finally, I know that I need to begin transcribing the information that I have figured out and encoded--whether vocal/energetic or astro/energetic--to begin encoding it and writing it so that I can more effectively disseminate this material to others. 

   To decide to engage intentionally in this work, to tease it apart and to commit, is scary, but so necessary.  I know that this is my path.  To sit around and wait forever, always following other's initiatives and then crying about not being heard--that is not what I need any longer.  I need to commit to discovering my own voice, while honoring the beneficial commitments that I have already made to support and collaborate with others as well.

    To get more specific about what "my voice" might be: I see myself, 10 years from now (maybe 5?) as a spiritual teacher and faciliator of energetic and transformational processes, especially those that involve creatively expressing the self (especially through movement and music).  I see myself having a "center" of my own, or being well-establishing in a spiritual community (could be Shambhala, my own healing center--both, neither, this part is unclear) and this being the basis of what I do.  But I also travel, maybe once or twice a month, to other locations, to faciliate the movement/voice/healing work that I do, and to give workshops and performances.  I continue to work both on a personal coaching/teaching level AND on a group level.  Both are important.  I know that I am doing some amount of writing, but mainly to clarify and explicate the principles that I teach.  Am I published? I think so--but am not sure on those details.  I know that I am still performing, both solo and in some kind of group--but am I leading it? This is unclear.  In whatever group I am in, the musically process is deeply creative, collaborative and fulfilling for all involved.  I believe I am still working with atro/energetic archetypes as well but how?--I am not sure about this part.  That is unclear.  So, there's a lot to be worked out, but an outline is there.

    So, this is the vision, which is a ways down the road, I think 5/10 years.  It is a bit fuzzy, and I know there are a lot of details to be filled in, perhaps some that will change. But for now, the wheels are beginning to turn.  I am learning to work with groups in my Shambhala center and am taking baby steps towards becoming a teacher there--about to give an open house talk and looking forward to being involved in a Improvisation class that the new director is about to run, to the extent that I can.  (The class is running on the same night as my Biodanza dance/movment class, so sadly, some "split time" is needed, but I will be able to dance with that.) I am learning how to relax into my teaching more and to do it an a collaborative and more intuitive way, so that is good too.  I am hoping to co-teach a Reiki class at some point as well, in order to learn more about teaching/facilitating an intuitive process in others.  I also really want to get into fleshing out and writing down the details about my energetically-influenced way of working with vocal students (a process that I will perhaps, one day, market under the title of "Vocal Energetics").  To explain this process would require a whole other entry (and I promise you that sometime soon!), but if you want to get an idea of what I'm talking about, check out this entry from my old blog, when this idea first became birthed: http://jen-30daysofwriting.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-9-vocal-reiki-healing.html There is much more to say about that process, but now is not the time.

Now is the time to wind up this writing.  Perhaps, when I blog next, I will delve more into a specific energetic, vocal or astrology concept that I'm working with.  In the meantime, for now, I am grateful to begin writing regularly again.  And I am grateful for the growth opportunites (in music, in relationship, and in attending to real world detail) that life is handing me.

Namaste,
Jen

Confession: Tail between my legs? A shot at redemption? Or something more?

Here's the confession:

It fills a bit embarrassing to write again after all this time has passed.  Weeks.  Months.   It feels like sending a letter to that friend who had made an important request or e-mailed a heart-felt, well-penned note. It's been weeks, now, since she sent that note, and many times you could have sat down, but you were busy.  And you thought: "I'll have more time to sit down and really give her my full attention tomorrow.  I'm a bit too worn out right now; I deserve a break. "

And so now, weeks later, here you finally are, sitting down.  But your mind pokes you, chatters at you, as you type up your response.  It badgers you with the hard, hurtful questions: What if she's totally given up on you by now?. . . . What if you've let her down and she no longer considers you a friend?. . . What if you bare your heart now, after these many weeks and she simply says: 'If she really cared, she would have been there for me earlier, when I needed her.  She wouldn't have run away. '  

Lest this sound all to hypothetical, lest it seem that I am projecting my feelings of inadequacy onto a nebulous "you", I will come out now and say it:

I am the person who does these things.  I am the person who runs away.  Often, and at the drop of a hat.  And I am the person who follows through--compulsively, never letting myself off the hook.  And so, it is a bit embarrassing to 'fess up to this.  To confess that my ambitions in life are often just ambitions and rarely a chain of steps meticulously followed through--especially not when honoring that deepest of friends, the one I really want to be there for: Myself.

But I am learning, right? So, better to show up now, months out of step, totally embarrassed, and to get back in the game, then to quit and never explain.  Better for you, maybe, but definitely better for myself.  This, I am learning.

Honestly? It recently dawned on me that for most of my life (if not the whole darn thing) I have not wanted to be in this world, with two feet planted on the ground.  I have wanted to do a good job.  I have wanted to keep a secret.  I have wanted to immerse myself in fantasy.  I have wanted to be rescued.  I have wanted to be understood.  I have wanted to be LOVED (especially by other people).  I have wanted to be admired--wanted to earn an easy ticket to life through one stroke of recognized creative brilliance.

But I have not wanted to live in this world.  I have not wanted to craft my life piece by piece, picking up each piece of trash that I have left loitering around, cluttering my space.  I have not wanted to see all that trash, because I thought it made me unlovable, unreedeemable.  And yet, every time I looked, there it was: TRASH.  Debt to pay.  Mountains of obligations.  An unclean home.  An unclean mind.  Moods.  Depression.  Elation.  Grandiosity.  Paranoia.  And I would think to myself: This is untenable.  This is unworkable.  I can't do anything with all of of this trash.

Except that I know, KNOW, now that this is not true. Not true.  Just because there have been many messes in my life, just because there is trash that I am cleaning up, does not mean that I am trash.  No sirree.  Not going to abuse myself like that any longer.

It is scary seeing the multitude of ways in which I have skillfully avoided reality, in which I have seen only what I have wanted to see.  But it is also liberating.  For the fear disappears when I realize that the mistakes that I have made do not mean anything about ME.  They do not mean that that I am a mistake.

How sad to have lived with the belief that I must be perfect to be lovable.  That I must be impressive.  That I must be unemotional.  I am not these things! I am an failable human being who is just as often unimpressive as impressive, who is just as often emotional as unemotional.  And "Hallelujah!" to that.  That is okay.  In fact--That is perfect.  I love and accept myself as an "imperfect" human being. 

It is because I love and accept myself that I can write all of this, that I am willing to recommit, even knowing that I may falter again.  It is because I love and accept myself that I can pick up each piece of trash and throw it away, knowing that any mistakes were made by a confused and hurting girl who was doing the best she could.  It is because I love and accept myself that I can commit to the things that feed my body, heart and soul: Things like meditation (the art of paying attention and resting with what is); things like dancing and music (truly the lifeblood of the soul); things like letting other people into my life (knowing they do accept me and are not just there to judge and take advantage of me, as I often assume).  It is because I love and accept myself that I can and will commit to doing the more mundane things that scare the pants of me--like learning to budget, cleaning out my car, learning how to organize events and book my own shows.  (This latter part is very much a work in progress--I have taken only minor steps in the journey, but know it is where I need to be right now.)

Here is a message that came through me earlier today, that I wrote down earlier today, for myself and to share.  I will end with this:

"Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.  If you act towards YOURSELF consistently with love--if you honor yourself, comfort yourself, educate yourself, speak truthfully to yourself, then you will be able to do this for others as well.  Most of the time you forget yourself: You forget yourself by seeking approval, by turning away from your heart towards your head, by believing those head voices that whine or panic incessantly, or by going on automatic pilot.  I am not here to chastise you, only to show you that you do this, and to remind you that there is another way.

Do you truly seek peace? Do you deeply long for comfort, for joy and love and fulfillment? If so, know this truly: You will NOT find it  "out there  ".  You will find it ONLY by tuning in to the center of your being--that is, your heart--and aligning the rest of yourself (mind, body, speech, actions) to that frequency.  In doing so, you will find the love of God (which resides within you) and an everlasting source of peace. 

You are enough: right here, right now.  You do not need to improve yourself.  You do not need to reject yourself or inform yourself or reform yourself into a 'better you'.  In fact, there is nothing that you need to do.  There is nothing that you can do to make yourself into a better person.  And, thank heavens, for you are perfect as you are.  

And so, I invite you to stop your worrying and to simply rest in this knowledge: You are enough.  Know this--truly, deeply--and feel the love that immediately rushes in to embrace you with this knowledge.  It is your own love.  It is God's love.  It is the love that will feed your life, resuscitate your relationships and inform your decisions from this point forward.  


For this love is the truth of who you are, in fact.  You are a radiant, creative being, a totally unique emanation of the SOURCE.  You are here to learn in your own unique way, to serve in your own unique way, to BE in your own unique way.  To be exactly as you are.  And in accepting this, in accepting yourself truly and completely, you will also be saying "Yes! " to all of this--yes to life, yes to service, yes to love, yes to fulfillment.  So, why hesitate? Why not accept now and soak in the beauty--and then get on with this glorious life that is awaiting you?!  "


**Note: The first two paragraphs did actually "came through" earlier today, but the last three came through just now, as I was writing.  The two parts feel like slightly different vibrations (the first more masculine, the second more feminine), but in hopes that it all might be of benefit, I have included it all.**

And with that, I'll conclude for now.  It is quite late, and I have written quite an entry, but it feels good to 'fess up--and to get back in the game.  More soon!

With love, and in truth,
Jen

In praise of Silence

Silence is my life's nectar.

I revel in it, drink it in at every opportunity.

It feeds me, sustains me, nourishes me, cleanses me.

It wraps me in a blanket of the sweetest, softest cotton--

simultaneously enveloping me and giving me space to breathe.

Silence warms and expands my heart,

reminds me that I have nothing to fear,

for I and it are one.

And oh, how I love playing the role of Silence:

intuitively knowing,

completely grounded,

embracing all things warmly,

and yet discriminating to the sharpest detail.

Warmth that is not silent is cloying.

But warm that arises from silence--

Ah! That is the aim, the sustenance and the achievement.

That is the life-blood, truly the love of the Divine:

It is no more or less than that.

Silence that has no warmth is not really silence--

for then, it has agenda.

It closes down; it does not include; it does not embrace.

And since silence is the space that holds all things,

how can this be?

It is merely detachment: Sustaining to the mind,

but not to the soul.

And so, my brothers, I entreat you!

Rather than close down and force detachment,

why not embrace silence and listen?

For truly, listening fully--

with the ears of the body, mind, heart, and spirit--

is the seat of all wisdom.

In this way, you connect with the earthly;

In this way, you connect with the Divine;

In this way, you connect with the other;

and in this way, you connect with yourself.

In all these ways, you awaken to Intuition

(another name for your Divine-embodied knowing),

and through Intuition, you discern

all these distinctions are but false divisions of the One.

They are all but ripples in the One Stream.

Returning to me, in my present human form,

I affirm the following as my life path:

To radiate the Heart-Wisdom of Silence;

to live fully in my body, my heart, my soul;

to listen with every pore of my being;

To embrace the Silence Knower;

and to feel the never-ending embrace

of His sweet, silent love.

This I affirm and to this I surrender:

Forever, Amen. 

Om, shanti, shanti, shanti. . . (Peace, peace, peace. . .)

Eris

I have been feeling the stirrings of Eris (the Greek goddess of dischord) within me, both last night and this morning.  And so, as a way to appease her, and to increase my understanding of this "dark force" (so that it might be healed and redeemed), I have decided to give her voice in a poem.  If you are curious to find out more about Eris, you can check out this link: http://www.astrodynamics.net/Articles/General/Eris.htm

"Eris"

I am the white, fluffy cat

that once you loved,

and now you despise--

having shoved back into the

very back closet, “out of harms way”.

And here I meow, pitifully,

waiting for you help, your rescue,

while all the while I plot and plan

exactly how I will attack

when you finally do surrender and come,

exactly how I will shred you

with these menacing claws.

For I am not all sweetness and light, no!

And that is what you must have realized once,

when first you saw that gleam in my eye.

The gleam that would dare to challenge you,

(“my owner”),

the gleam that would not ever,

not once,

allow myself to be trampled on,

the gleam that said:

“I see what you do.

I see your corruption and I do not agree,

do not stand for it, not ever.

If you wish to be “my owner”,

then you must be pure,

absolutely and completely--

and this is not the way that purity looks.”

And, yet, here I am, alone,

atoning for mistakes,

if, in fact, it is I who have made them

(which I seriously doubt).

Do you think it is fun to be here

in the isolation of my own company,

when I wish for nothing more

than to regain my honor, or to wreak your destruction?

(At this point--Either will do; I care not.)

And instead, I am reduced to meowing for sympathy,

which I despise.

And instead, I must “revel”

in the blackness of this place

(when I could be white).

. . . But again, I know that you care not.

So, go on your way,

go right on your merry way,

and pretend that you are utterly happy,

and that I am utterly bad,

but one day the truth will come out,

and you will be sorry.

And I will be avenged.