Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The wisdom is in here (somewhere).

Today, unlike, last time, I am not being swept along on the breath of fire.  It has been a long and winding month since I last wrote, and I have been through many experiences: illness, communion, desolation, vacation.  I have rested; I have been moved; and still, I have been left bone dry, with nothing to show for journey.  Not really.  And so, I am not sure of what to write.  But  still. . . the impulse is there, the itch.  And it has been a long time coming.  And so, I will write.  And  I will trust the voice of wisdom, the wisdom that is hidden in me, somewhere.

It seeks a voice, this wisdom, and I will be it's servant.  It has it's way, it has it's tales, and who am I to question? For it knows more than me. . . This, in fact, scares me.  My mind, it believes it knows so much.  But this force--this force which seems totality irrational, it knows far more than my mind.  It will show me everything that it knows, too--but only if I can trust it completely, only if I can show up with no pretense.  Only if I can lay down every weapon and make no demands.  Not even the demand of reassurance.

This wisdom. . . Oh, she has a name.  Did I forget to say this? She is Lilith.  She is the wild heartbeat that demands my utter surrender, my utter abandon, my complete non-judgement.  She is Sophia, the whisperer of secrets, who illuminates my mind unexpectedly with x-ray vision when I am wandering in the Cave of Shadows.  She is Eris, the fearless one, the one who will not sugar-coat things for you, who will not play nice and sit quiet and act like the other girls.  She is Venus, the seductive, charming beauty who knows the way of pleasure, who knows when to partake, when to listen and when to hold her peace.  She is all of these; she is more than these; she is me; she is you.

This wisdom. . . Oh, she surprises me.  I never know when she will shower me with grace, when she will coax me into abandon, when she will help me find my stride, when she will comfort me, when she will lead me to rest.  And yet, I do know that she will bless me.  Anytime I listen.  That is the sum of it; that is all.  Anytime I listen, she is there, without fail.  Oh, what a miracle.  Oh, what a blessing.  This goddess of wisdom.  My own inner fountain.  Always available, always nourishing.  Always there for me.  Never separate from me.  Om, shanti, shanti, shanti.

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