Saturday, June 18, 2011

And now, returning

      And so, here I am again, not totally sure what I will write about, but feeling it is time to write.  I do know that the tone will probably be a lot different than last time I wrote: The astro-geek side of me notes that, on the last day that I wrote, the planetoid/asteroid Chiron (representing the archetype of the wounded healer) was stationing, e.g., at a "stand still" while changing from forward motion in the sky to retrograde motion in the sky.  Planets do tend to exhibit greater than usual power when stationing, and, in this case, Chiron was, for me, bringing up a lot of old wounds that were ready to be healed.  I certainly plunged into this process on that day, in terms of choosing to write about the loaded emotional/transformational journey that I had been undergoing over the recent months, and so I apologize if it was a "bit much" to read.  It certainly felt cathartic and healing to me to get that energy "off my chest", so to speak.

     . . . Today I do not feel nearly as "loaded" and I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for a lot of things, actually, and so maybe that would be a good thing to begin writing about.  I am grateful for my husband and for my friends and family--so deeply, deeply grateful for those who are willing to show up and be honest, loving and emotionally available.  I am grateful for the abundance of musical opportunities that have been coming my way: 10 gigs in June!--including a solo opening for an out-of-town duo, and a lucrative private engagement for a lovely elderly couple, plus an upcoming show in NYC (a first).  It really is astounding, the things that are pouring in.  And most of all, I am grateful, so, so grateful, that life is so forgiving--that I am really learning that I can boldly be my authentic self and this is okay, that I can have a vision and others will support it, that I can relax and enjoy myself in almost any situation.  It is a beautiful thing to discover.  I am so, so blessed.  In practical terms, I have a lot of responsibility right now, and a lot of things to attend to, but that is okay.  That does not nullify or obscure the blessing that life is.  I trust that there is an inner compass within me that knows exactly what needs to be done, and how, if I choose to listen to it, to settle down and pay attention.

     So yeah, that's sort of the really, really basic overview.  Another thing that I'm investigating right now are my dreams--and what does it take to go from being a "pie in the sky" individual to someone who actually, passionately, lives their dreams and follows through on a real and practical level.  So, I'm asking myself the question, what is it that I really want to do, that I'm passionate about? And then, different answers come up.  There are some things that are obvious, that I'm already doing--performing creative music for an audience, as an example.  Giving astrology consultations.  Dancing and singing.  Healing work--especially transformative healing work (e.g., work that involves personal change on a deep level).  And teaching--particularly in fostering the creativity and unique voice of another individual, giving them tools to help them develop themselves.  (Right now, my teaching vehicle is as a music teacher.)

   But I feel like I'm about to move into a very important stage in my life, and this is why the simplification and clarification and grounding--along with vision!--are sooo necessary.  I am moving out of the stage of personal, private healing and explorations, and into the stage of working more meaningfully with other people, while, at the same time finding my own unique voice and vision.

   I can intuitively feel this transition, I am in the process of it, and yet the way is still nebulous to me.  BUT. . . I do feel like it has a lot to do with learning to work in a deeply collaborative way in order to more strongly affect change in myself and others.  And more deeply and consistently putting myself into situations where I can use my "sixth sense" of intuitively finding harmony and balance and putting it into practice.  Also, I know it involves my ability to teach--both directly, and by example (e.g., embodying/demonstrating a principle).  I know that the work that I need to do involves music--singing it and moving to it in authentic but nuanced ways.  And finally, I know that I need to begin transcribing the information that I have figured out and encoded--whether vocal/energetic or astro/energetic--to begin encoding it and writing it so that I can more effectively disseminate this material to others. 

   To decide to engage intentionally in this work, to tease it apart and to commit, is scary, but so necessary.  I know that this is my path.  To sit around and wait forever, always following other's initiatives and then crying about not being heard--that is not what I need any longer.  I need to commit to discovering my own voice, while honoring the beneficial commitments that I have already made to support and collaborate with others as well.

    To get more specific about what "my voice" might be: I see myself, 10 years from now (maybe 5?) as a spiritual teacher and faciliator of energetic and transformational processes, especially those that involve creatively expressing the self (especially through movement and music).  I see myself having a "center" of my own, or being well-establishing in a spiritual community (could be Shambhala, my own healing center--both, neither, this part is unclear) and this being the basis of what I do.  But I also travel, maybe once or twice a month, to other locations, to faciliate the movement/voice/healing work that I do, and to give workshops and performances.  I continue to work both on a personal coaching/teaching level AND on a group level.  Both are important.  I know that I am doing some amount of writing, but mainly to clarify and explicate the principles that I teach.  Am I published? I think so--but am not sure on those details.  I know that I am still performing, both solo and in some kind of group--but am I leading it? This is unclear.  In whatever group I am in, the musically process is deeply creative, collaborative and fulfilling for all involved.  I believe I am still working with atro/energetic archetypes as well but how?--I am not sure about this part.  That is unclear.  So, there's a lot to be worked out, but an outline is there.

    So, this is the vision, which is a ways down the road, I think 5/10 years.  It is a bit fuzzy, and I know there are a lot of details to be filled in, perhaps some that will change. But for now, the wheels are beginning to turn.  I am learning to work with groups in my Shambhala center and am taking baby steps towards becoming a teacher there--about to give an open house talk and looking forward to being involved in a Improvisation class that the new director is about to run, to the extent that I can.  (The class is running on the same night as my Biodanza dance/movment class, so sadly, some "split time" is needed, but I will be able to dance with that.) I am learning how to relax into my teaching more and to do it an a collaborative and more intuitive way, so that is good too.  I am hoping to co-teach a Reiki class at some point as well, in order to learn more about teaching/facilitating an intuitive process in others.  I also really want to get into fleshing out and writing down the details about my energetically-influenced way of working with vocal students (a process that I will perhaps, one day, market under the title of "Vocal Energetics").  To explain this process would require a whole other entry (and I promise you that sometime soon!), but if you want to get an idea of what I'm talking about, check out this entry from my old blog, when this idea first became birthed: There is much more to say about that process, but now is not the time.

Now is the time to wind up this writing.  Perhaps, when I blog next, I will delve more into a specific energetic, vocal or astrology concept that I'm working with.  In the meantime, for now, I am grateful to begin writing regularly again.  And I am grateful for the growth opportunites (in music, in relationship, and in attending to real world detail) that life is handing me.


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Confession: Tail between my legs? A shot at redemption? Or something more?

Here's the confession:

It fills a bit embarrassing to write again after all this time has passed.  Weeks.  Months.   It feels like sending a letter to that friend who had made an important request or e-mailed a heart-felt, well-penned note. It's been weeks, now, since she sent that note, and many times you could have sat down, but you were busy.  And you thought: "I'll have more time to sit down and really give her my full attention tomorrow.  I'm a bit too worn out right now; I deserve a break. "

And so now, weeks later, here you finally are, sitting down.  But your mind pokes you, chatters at you, as you type up your response.  It badgers you with the hard, hurtful questions: What if she's totally given up on you by now?. . . . What if you've let her down and she no longer considers you a friend?. . . What if you bare your heart now, after these many weeks and she simply says: 'If she really cared, she would have been there for me earlier, when I needed her.  She wouldn't have run away. '  

Lest this sound all to hypothetical, lest it seem that I am projecting my feelings of inadequacy onto a nebulous "you", I will come out now and say it:

I am the person who does these things.  I am the person who runs away.  Often, and at the drop of a hat.  And I am the person who follows through--compulsively, never letting myself off the hook.  And so, it is a bit embarrassing to 'fess up to this.  To confess that my ambitions in life are often just ambitions and rarely a chain of steps meticulously followed through--especially not when honoring that deepest of friends, the one I really want to be there for: Myself.

But I am learning, right? So, better to show up now, months out of step, totally embarrassed, and to get back in the game, then to quit and never explain.  Better for you, maybe, but definitely better for myself.  This, I am learning.

Honestly? It recently dawned on me that for most of my life (if not the whole darn thing) I have not wanted to be in this world, with two feet planted on the ground.  I have wanted to do a good job.  I have wanted to keep a secret.  I have wanted to immerse myself in fantasy.  I have wanted to be rescued.  I have wanted to be understood.  I have wanted to be LOVED (especially by other people).  I have wanted to be admired--wanted to earn an easy ticket to life through one stroke of recognized creative brilliance.

But I have not wanted to live in this world.  I have not wanted to craft my life piece by piece, picking up each piece of trash that I have left loitering around, cluttering my space.  I have not wanted to see all that trash, because I thought it made me unlovable, unreedeemable.  And yet, every time I looked, there it was: TRASH.  Debt to pay.  Mountains of obligations.  An unclean home.  An unclean mind.  Moods.  Depression.  Elation.  Grandiosity.  Paranoia.  And I would think to myself: This is untenable.  This is unworkable.  I can't do anything with all of of this trash.

Except that I know, KNOW, now that this is not true. Not true.  Just because there have been many messes in my life, just because there is trash that I am cleaning up, does not mean that I am trash.  No sirree.  Not going to abuse myself like that any longer.

It is scary seeing the multitude of ways in which I have skillfully avoided reality, in which I have seen only what I have wanted to see.  But it is also liberating.  For the fear disappears when I realize that the mistakes that I have made do not mean anything about ME.  They do not mean that that I am a mistake.

How sad to have lived with the belief that I must be perfect to be lovable.  That I must be impressive.  That I must be unemotional.  I am not these things! I am an failable human being who is just as often unimpressive as impressive, who is just as often emotional as unemotional.  And "Hallelujah!" to that.  That is okay.  In fact--That is perfect.  I love and accept myself as an "imperfect" human being. 

It is because I love and accept myself that I can write all of this, that I am willing to recommit, even knowing that I may falter again.  It is because I love and accept myself that I can pick up each piece of trash and throw it away, knowing that any mistakes were made by a confused and hurting girl who was doing the best she could.  It is because I love and accept myself that I can commit to the things that feed my body, heart and soul: Things like meditation (the art of paying attention and resting with what is); things like dancing and music (truly the lifeblood of the soul); things like letting other people into my life (knowing they do accept me and are not just there to judge and take advantage of me, as I often assume).  It is because I love and accept myself that I can and will commit to doing the more mundane things that scare the pants of me--like learning to budget, cleaning out my car, learning how to organize events and book my own shows.  (This latter part is very much a work in progress--I have taken only minor steps in the journey, but know it is where I need to be right now.)

Here is a message that came through me earlier today, that I wrote down earlier today, for myself and to share.  I will end with this:

"Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.  If you act towards YOURSELF consistently with love--if you honor yourself, comfort yourself, educate yourself, speak truthfully to yourself, then you will be able to do this for others as well.  Most of the time you forget yourself: You forget yourself by seeking approval, by turning away from your heart towards your head, by believing those head voices that whine or panic incessantly, or by going on automatic pilot.  I am not here to chastise you, only to show you that you do this, and to remind you that there is another way.

Do you truly seek peace? Do you deeply long for comfort, for joy and love and fulfillment? If so, know this truly: You will NOT find it  "out there  ".  You will find it ONLY by tuning in to the center of your being--that is, your heart--and aligning the rest of yourself (mind, body, speech, actions) to that frequency.  In doing so, you will find the love of God (which resides within you) and an everlasting source of peace. 

You are enough: right here, right now.  You do not need to improve yourself.  You do not need to reject yourself or inform yourself or reform yourself into a 'better you'.  In fact, there is nothing that you need to do.  There is nothing that you can do to make yourself into a better person.  And, thank heavens, for you are perfect as you are.  

And so, I invite you to stop your worrying and to simply rest in this knowledge: You are enough.  Know this--truly, deeply--and feel the love that immediately rushes in to embrace you with this knowledge.  It is your own love.  It is God's love.  It is the love that will feed your life, resuscitate your relationships and inform your decisions from this point forward.  

For this love is the truth of who you are, in fact.  You are a radiant, creative being, a totally unique emanation of the SOURCE.  You are here to learn in your own unique way, to serve in your own unique way, to BE in your own unique way.  To be exactly as you are.  And in accepting this, in accepting yourself truly and completely, you will also be saying "Yes! " to all of this--yes to life, yes to service, yes to love, yes to fulfillment.  So, why hesitate? Why not accept now and soak in the beauty--and then get on with this glorious life that is awaiting you?!  "

**Note: The first two paragraphs did actually "came through" earlier today, but the last three came through just now, as I was writing.  The two parts feel like slightly different vibrations (the first more masculine, the second more feminine), but in hopes that it all might be of benefit, I have included it all.**

And with that, I'll conclude for now.  It is quite late, and I have written quite an entry, but it feels good to 'fess up--and to get back in the game.  More soon!

With love, and in truth,