Saturday, June 18, 2011

And now, returning

      And so, here I am again, not totally sure what I will write about, but feeling it is time to write.  I do know that the tone will probably be a lot different than last time I wrote: The astro-geek side of me notes that, on the last day that I wrote, the planetoid/asteroid Chiron (representing the archetype of the wounded healer) was stationing, e.g., at a "stand still" while changing from forward motion in the sky to retrograde motion in the sky.  Planets do tend to exhibit greater than usual power when stationing, and, in this case, Chiron was, for me, bringing up a lot of old wounds that were ready to be healed.  I certainly plunged into this process on that day, in terms of choosing to write about the loaded emotional/transformational journey that I had been undergoing over the recent months, and so I apologize if it was a "bit much" to read.  It certainly felt cathartic and healing to me to get that energy "off my chest", so to speak.

     . . . Today I do not feel nearly as "loaded" and I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for a lot of things, actually, and so maybe that would be a good thing to begin writing about.  I am grateful for my husband and for my friends and family--so deeply, deeply grateful for those who are willing to show up and be honest, loving and emotionally available.  I am grateful for the abundance of musical opportunities that have been coming my way: 10 gigs in June!--including a solo opening for an out-of-town duo, and a lucrative private engagement for a lovely elderly couple, plus an upcoming show in NYC (a first).  It really is astounding, the things that are pouring in.  And most of all, I am grateful, so, so grateful, that life is so forgiving--that I am really learning that I can boldly be my authentic self and this is okay, that I can have a vision and others will support it, that I can relax and enjoy myself in almost any situation.  It is a beautiful thing to discover.  I am so, so blessed.  In practical terms, I have a lot of responsibility right now, and a lot of things to attend to, but that is okay.  That does not nullify or obscure the blessing that life is.  I trust that there is an inner compass within me that knows exactly what needs to be done, and how, if I choose to listen to it, to settle down and pay attention.

     So yeah, that's sort of the really, really basic overview.  Another thing that I'm investigating right now are my dreams--and what does it take to go from being a "pie in the sky" individual to someone who actually, passionately, lives their dreams and follows through on a real and practical level.  So, I'm asking myself the question, what is it that I really want to do, that I'm passionate about? And then, different answers come up.  There are some things that are obvious, that I'm already doing--performing creative music for an audience, as an example.  Giving astrology consultations.  Dancing and singing.  Healing work--especially transformative healing work (e.g., work that involves personal change on a deep level).  And teaching--particularly in fostering the creativity and unique voice of another individual, giving them tools to help them develop themselves.  (Right now, my teaching vehicle is as a music teacher.)

   But I feel like I'm about to move into a very important stage in my life, and this is why the simplification and clarification and grounding--along with vision!--are sooo necessary.  I am moving out of the stage of personal, private healing and explorations, and into the stage of working more meaningfully with other people, while, at the same time finding my own unique voice and vision.

   I can intuitively feel this transition, I am in the process of it, and yet the way is still nebulous to me.  BUT. . . I do feel like it has a lot to do with learning to work in a deeply collaborative way in order to more strongly affect change in myself and others.  And more deeply and consistently putting myself into situations where I can use my "sixth sense" of intuitively finding harmony and balance and putting it into practice.  Also, I know it involves my ability to teach--both directly, and by example (e.g., embodying/demonstrating a principle).  I know that the work that I need to do involves music--singing it and moving to it in authentic but nuanced ways.  And finally, I know that I need to begin transcribing the information that I have figured out and encoded--whether vocal/energetic or astro/energetic--to begin encoding it and writing it so that I can more effectively disseminate this material to others. 

   To decide to engage intentionally in this work, to tease it apart and to commit, is scary, but so necessary.  I know that this is my path.  To sit around and wait forever, always following other's initiatives and then crying about not being heard--that is not what I need any longer.  I need to commit to discovering my own voice, while honoring the beneficial commitments that I have already made to support and collaborate with others as well.

    To get more specific about what "my voice" might be: I see myself, 10 years from now (maybe 5?) as a spiritual teacher and faciliator of energetic and transformational processes, especially those that involve creatively expressing the self (especially through movement and music).  I see myself having a "center" of my own, or being well-establishing in a spiritual community (could be Shambhala, my own healing center--both, neither, this part is unclear) and this being the basis of what I do.  But I also travel, maybe once or twice a month, to other locations, to faciliate the movement/voice/healing work that I do, and to give workshops and performances.  I continue to work both on a personal coaching/teaching level AND on a group level.  Both are important.  I know that I am doing some amount of writing, but mainly to clarify and explicate the principles that I teach.  Am I published? I think so--but am not sure on those details.  I know that I am still performing, both solo and in some kind of group--but am I leading it? This is unclear.  In whatever group I am in, the musically process is deeply creative, collaborative and fulfilling for all involved.  I believe I am still working with atro/energetic archetypes as well but how?--I am not sure about this part.  That is unclear.  So, there's a lot to be worked out, but an outline is there.

    So, this is the vision, which is a ways down the road, I think 5/10 years.  It is a bit fuzzy, and I know there are a lot of details to be filled in, perhaps some that will change. But for now, the wheels are beginning to turn.  I am learning to work with groups in my Shambhala center and am taking baby steps towards becoming a teacher there--about to give an open house talk and looking forward to being involved in a Improvisation class that the new director is about to run, to the extent that I can.  (The class is running on the same night as my Biodanza dance/movment class, so sadly, some "split time" is needed, but I will be able to dance with that.) I am learning how to relax into my teaching more and to do it an a collaborative and more intuitive way, so that is good too.  I am hoping to co-teach a Reiki class at some point as well, in order to learn more about teaching/facilitating an intuitive process in others.  I also really want to get into fleshing out and writing down the details about my energetically-influenced way of working with vocal students (a process that I will perhaps, one day, market under the title of "Vocal Energetics").  To explain this process would require a whole other entry (and I promise you that sometime soon!), but if you want to get an idea of what I'm talking about, check out this entry from my old blog, when this idea first became birthed: There is much more to say about that process, but now is not the time.

Now is the time to wind up this writing.  Perhaps, when I blog next, I will delve more into a specific energetic, vocal or astrology concept that I'm working with.  In the meantime, for now, I am grateful to begin writing regularly again.  And I am grateful for the growth opportunites (in music, in relationship, and in attending to real world detail) that life is handing me.


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