Confession: Tail between my legs? A shot at redemption? Or something more?

Here's the confession:

It fills a bit embarrassing to write again after all this time has passed.  Weeks.  Months.   It feels like sending a letter to that friend who had made an important request or e-mailed a heart-felt, well-penned note. It's been weeks, now, since she sent that note, and many times you could have sat down, but you were busy.  And you thought: "I'll have more time to sit down and really give her my full attention tomorrow.  I'm a bit too worn out right now; I deserve a break. "

And so now, weeks later, here you finally are, sitting down.  But your mind pokes you, chatters at you, as you type up your response.  It badgers you with the hard, hurtful questions: What if she's totally given up on you by now?. . . . What if you've let her down and she no longer considers you a friend?. . . What if you bare your heart now, after these many weeks and she simply says: 'If she really cared, she would have been there for me earlier, when I needed her.  She wouldn't have run away. '  

Lest this sound all to hypothetical, lest it seem that I am projecting my feelings of inadequacy onto a nebulous "you", I will come out now and say it:

I am the person who does these things.  I am the person who runs away.  Often, and at the drop of a hat.  And I am the person who follows through--compulsively, never letting myself off the hook.  And so, it is a bit embarrassing to 'fess up to this.  To confess that my ambitions in life are often just ambitions and rarely a chain of steps meticulously followed through--especially not when honoring that deepest of friends, the one I really want to be there for: Myself.

But I am learning, right? So, better to show up now, months out of step, totally embarrassed, and to get back in the game, then to quit and never explain.  Better for you, maybe, but definitely better for myself.  This, I am learning.

Honestly? It recently dawned on me that for most of my life (if not the whole darn thing) I have not wanted to be in this world, with two feet planted on the ground.  I have wanted to do a good job.  I have wanted to keep a secret.  I have wanted to immerse myself in fantasy.  I have wanted to be rescued.  I have wanted to be understood.  I have wanted to be LOVED (especially by other people).  I have wanted to be admired--wanted to earn an easy ticket to life through one stroke of recognized creative brilliance.

But I have not wanted to live in this world.  I have not wanted to craft my life piece by piece, picking up each piece of trash that I have left loitering around, cluttering my space.  I have not wanted to see all that trash, because I thought it made me unlovable, unreedeemable.  And yet, every time I looked, there it was: TRASH.  Debt to pay.  Mountains of obligations.  An unclean home.  An unclean mind.  Moods.  Depression.  Elation.  Grandiosity.  Paranoia.  And I would think to myself: This is untenable.  This is unworkable.  I can't do anything with all of of this trash.

Except that I know, KNOW, now that this is not true. Not true.  Just because there have been many messes in my life, just because there is trash that I am cleaning up, does not mean that I am trash.  No sirree.  Not going to abuse myself like that any longer.

It is scary seeing the multitude of ways in which I have skillfully avoided reality, in which I have seen only what I have wanted to see.  But it is also liberating.  For the fear disappears when I realize that the mistakes that I have made do not mean anything about ME.  They do not mean that that I am a mistake.

How sad to have lived with the belief that I must be perfect to be lovable.  That I must be impressive.  That I must be unemotional.  I am not these things! I am an failable human being who is just as often unimpressive as impressive, who is just as often emotional as unemotional.  And "Hallelujah!" to that.  That is okay.  In fact--That is perfect.  I love and accept myself as an "imperfect" human being. 

It is because I love and accept myself that I can write all of this, that I am willing to recommit, even knowing that I may falter again.  It is because I love and accept myself that I can pick up each piece of trash and throw it away, knowing that any mistakes were made by a confused and hurting girl who was doing the best she could.  It is because I love and accept myself that I can commit to the things that feed my body, heart and soul: Things like meditation (the art of paying attention and resting with what is); things like dancing and music (truly the lifeblood of the soul); things like letting other people into my life (knowing they do accept me and are not just there to judge and take advantage of me, as I often assume).  It is because I love and accept myself that I can and will commit to doing the more mundane things that scare the pants of me--like learning to budget, cleaning out my car, learning how to organize events and book my own shows.  (This latter part is very much a work in progress--I have taken only minor steps in the journey, but know it is where I need to be right now.)

Here is a message that came through me earlier today, that I wrote down earlier today, for myself and to share.  I will end with this:

"Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.  If you act towards YOURSELF consistently with love--if you honor yourself, comfort yourself, educate yourself, speak truthfully to yourself, then you will be able to do this for others as well.  Most of the time you forget yourself: You forget yourself by seeking approval, by turning away from your heart towards your head, by believing those head voices that whine or panic incessantly, or by going on automatic pilot.  I am not here to chastise you, only to show you that you do this, and to remind you that there is another way.

Do you truly seek peace? Do you deeply long for comfort, for joy and love and fulfillment? If so, know this truly: You will NOT find it  "out there  ".  You will find it ONLY by tuning in to the center of your being--that is, your heart--and aligning the rest of yourself (mind, body, speech, actions) to that frequency.  In doing so, you will find the love of God (which resides within you) and an everlasting source of peace. 

You are enough: right here, right now.  You do not need to improve yourself.  You do not need to reject yourself or inform yourself or reform yourself into a 'better you'.  In fact, there is nothing that you need to do.  There is nothing that you can do to make yourself into a better person.  And, thank heavens, for you are perfect as you are.  

And so, I invite you to stop your worrying and to simply rest in this knowledge: You are enough.  Know this--truly, deeply--and feel the love that immediately rushes in to embrace you with this knowledge.  It is your own love.  It is God's love.  It is the love that will feed your life, resuscitate your relationships and inform your decisions from this point forward.  


For this love is the truth of who you are, in fact.  You are a radiant, creative being, a totally unique emanation of the SOURCE.  You are here to learn in your own unique way, to serve in your own unique way, to BE in your own unique way.  To be exactly as you are.  And in accepting this, in accepting yourself truly and completely, you will also be saying "Yes! " to all of this--yes to life, yes to service, yes to love, yes to fulfillment.  So, why hesitate? Why not accept now and soak in the beauty--and then get on with this glorious life that is awaiting you?!  "


**Note: The first two paragraphs did actually "came through" earlier today, but the last three came through just now, as I was writing.  The two parts feel like slightly different vibrations (the first more masculine, the second more feminine), but in hopes that it all might be of benefit, I have included it all.**

And with that, I'll conclude for now.  It is quite late, and I have written quite an entry, but it feels good to 'fess up--and to get back in the game.  More soon!

With love, and in truth,
Jen