Alright. This is where things get weird. I will warn you that I do have some trepidation about writing this blog, but my enthusiasm is over-riding it. Allow me to explain:
One of the things that I have experienced throughout my life, but especially in the last couple of years, are writings (sometimes poetry, sometimes simply messages) that come "through" me very quickly, in the space of minutes, with little or no conscious editing. For this reason, I call tend to refer to these works as "channeled", all whether that is literally true, I cannot say for certain. (Feel free, if it seems more comfortable, to call these messages "inspired" rather than "channeled". That would be fine with me.) Nonetheless, I am choosing to share a channeled/inspired message that came "through" me just in the last hour. I am sharing it because I feel it is so relevant to my life and what I am currently experiencing, and if I am finding it helpful, then perhaps you will, too.
To first give a little context: I have been feeling discouraged, and sometimes angry or frustrated, over the last few days, at my perceived inability to focus on goals that I need or want to accomplish. This appears to be accompanied by an abundant willingness to focus on other people's goals, or to avoid goals all together and just spend time with other people. So, I found myself, this morning, having "accomplished" nothing before noon, except for my basic morning routine (showering, eating breakfast), which happened late in the morning, and chatting with/helping others (one person in particular, whom I am quite close to). At 11:20 or so, after over an hour, I cut myself off from this person (finally), in order to focus on my own tasks--e.g., my delayed morning routine and preparing to teach at noon. I felt a large amount of annoyance that I had "wasted" my time "helping" this other person, and a large amount of self-anger (disgust would perhaps be a better word) at all that I had not accomplished.
When my noon student canceled (due to circumstances beyond his control), I felt compelled to sit down, to settle, and focus inwardly for a bit. (One could loosely call this meditation.) As I could sit feel the remnants of anger and un-settledness in my body, I called to mind a particular figure that I thought might help to bring illumination, whom I have evoked before: Medicine Buddha. (Medicine Buddha is associated with the transformation of negative emotional states, amongst other things.) And then, grabbing a notebook and a pen, I wrote down this question:
What is the lesson in this?
This answer arose in my head, and I wrote it down:
The goal is to learn patience with all states of mind, to understand that all states are created equal. Each has it's place, and each holds it's particular quality of illumination.
Thinking that that was an interesting answer, I wrote down this followup question:
So, what, then, is the goal of my anger?
And, in response, a lot more came forth, namely:
"The goal of anger is to clarify what is important, and when priorities have been misplaced. Particularly, it illuminates when one has placed faith in another as opposed to holding that faith within themselves.
Often, we expect others to do for us what we are not willing to do for ourselves. Or, we expect others to validate and praise us when we sacrifice ourselves on their behalf. These are examples of expectations that have been misplaced.
When anger arises, you can notice the feeling quality that it brings up in your body. Where are you holding tension? Where are you trying to force a result? Be willing to see these things clearly.
But then, and always, come back to love. Begin with self-love. Where is it that you have turned your back on yourself? Where is it that you have denied yourself, thinking that investing in another would bring you the confidence that you need?
Do not be afraid. The answers to these questions ARE NOT a reflection of your self-worth, for you are already whole and perfect in God's eyes. The answers to these questions are merely a source of illumination, given to you that you might come back to a conscious alignment with validation of self.
Remember that anger has given you this gift of awareness, and once you accept it, you will find yourself angry no longer. Residing now in love, you may bring yourself back into alignment with the goals that will support your highest need and God's divine order.
Blessings to you always on your path,
Medicine Buddha and
Gabriel (God's messenger)
I will say that I am not quite sure how Gabriel crept in there (as I did not consciously call on him) but his name popped up for me, and I do feel like he (or she--Gabriel's gender is debated) had some association with this message.
So. . . I still feel kind of wacky after typing up this message (What will people think of me?), but I am taking the risk to record this, because it feels so personally relevant, and maybe will speak to you in some way (regardless of whether you "agree" with the idea of channeling). And, now that I feel more calm and complete within myself, now that I have engaged in some so needed and personally relevant, I feel that I am ready to turn my attention to other matters.
I welcome your comments, and send you blessings on your path! Here's wishing you, and all, a beautiful and heart-filled day.