Confession: Tail between my legs? A shot at redemption? Or something more?

Here's the confession:

It fills a bit embarrassing to write again after all this time has passed.  Weeks.  Months.   It feels like sending a letter to that friend who had made an important request or e-mailed a heart-felt, well-penned note. It's been weeks, now, since she sent that note, and many times you could have sat down, but you were busy.  And you thought: "I'll have more time to sit down and really give her my full attention tomorrow.  I'm a bit too worn out right now; I deserve a break. "

And so now, weeks later, here you finally are, sitting down.  But your mind pokes you, chatters at you, as you type up your response.  It badgers you with the hard, hurtful questions: What if she's totally given up on you by now?. . . . What if you've let her down and she no longer considers you a friend?. . . What if you bare your heart now, after these many weeks and she simply says: 'If she really cared, she would have been there for me earlier, when I needed her.  She wouldn't have run away. '  

Lest this sound all to hypothetical, lest it seem that I am projecting my feelings of inadequacy onto a nebulous "you", I will come out now and say it:

I am the person who does these things.  I am the person who runs away.  Often, and at the drop of a hat.  And I am the person who follows through--compulsively, never letting myself off the hook.  And so, it is a bit embarrassing to 'fess up to this.  To confess that my ambitions in life are often just ambitions and rarely a chain of steps meticulously followed through--especially not when honoring that deepest of friends, the one I really want to be there for: Myself.

But I am learning, right? So, better to show up now, months out of step, totally embarrassed, and to get back in the game, then to quit and never explain.  Better for you, maybe, but definitely better for myself.  This, I am learning.

Honestly? It recently dawned on me that for most of my life (if not the whole darn thing) I have not wanted to be in this world, with two feet planted on the ground.  I have wanted to do a good job.  I have wanted to keep a secret.  I have wanted to immerse myself in fantasy.  I have wanted to be rescued.  I have wanted to be understood.  I have wanted to be LOVED (especially by other people).  I have wanted to be admired--wanted to earn an easy ticket to life through one stroke of recognized creative brilliance.

But I have not wanted to live in this world.  I have not wanted to craft my life piece by piece, picking up each piece of trash that I have left loitering around, cluttering my space.  I have not wanted to see all that trash, because I thought it made me unlovable, unreedeemable.  And yet, every time I looked, there it was: TRASH.  Debt to pay.  Mountains of obligations.  An unclean home.  An unclean mind.  Moods.  Depression.  Elation.  Grandiosity.  Paranoia.  And I would think to myself: This is untenable.  This is unworkable.  I can't do anything with all of of this trash.

Except that I know, KNOW, now that this is not true. Not true.  Just because there have been many messes in my life, just because there is trash that I am cleaning up, does not mean that I am trash.  No sirree.  Not going to abuse myself like that any longer.

It is scary seeing the multitude of ways in which I have skillfully avoided reality, in which I have seen only what I have wanted to see.  But it is also liberating.  For the fear disappears when I realize that the mistakes that I have made do not mean anything about ME.  They do not mean that that I am a mistake.

How sad to have lived with the belief that I must be perfect to be lovable.  That I must be impressive.  That I must be unemotional.  I am not these things! I am an failable human being who is just as often unimpressive as impressive, who is just as often emotional as unemotional.  And "Hallelujah!" to that.  That is okay.  In fact--That is perfect.  I love and accept myself as an "imperfect" human being. 

It is because I love and accept myself that I can write all of this, that I am willing to recommit, even knowing that I may falter again.  It is because I love and accept myself that I can pick up each piece of trash and throw it away, knowing that any mistakes were made by a confused and hurting girl who was doing the best she could.  It is because I love and accept myself that I can commit to the things that feed my body, heart and soul: Things like meditation (the art of paying attention and resting with what is); things like dancing and music (truly the lifeblood of the soul); things like letting other people into my life (knowing they do accept me and are not just there to judge and take advantage of me, as I often assume).  It is because I love and accept myself that I can and will commit to doing the more mundane things that scare the pants of me--like learning to budget, cleaning out my car, learning how to organize events and book my own shows.  (This latter part is very much a work in progress--I have taken only minor steps in the journey, but know it is where I need to be right now.)

Here is a message that came through me earlier today, that I wrote down earlier today, for myself and to share.  I will end with this:

"Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.  If you act towards YOURSELF consistently with love--if you honor yourself, comfort yourself, educate yourself, speak truthfully to yourself, then you will be able to do this for others as well.  Most of the time you forget yourself: You forget yourself by seeking approval, by turning away from your heart towards your head, by believing those head voices that whine or panic incessantly, or by going on automatic pilot.  I am not here to chastise you, only to show you that you do this, and to remind you that there is another way.

Do you truly seek peace? Do you deeply long for comfort, for joy and love and fulfillment? If so, know this truly: You will NOT find it  "out there  ".  You will find it ONLY by tuning in to the center of your being--that is, your heart--and aligning the rest of yourself (mind, body, speech, actions) to that frequency.  In doing so, you will find the love of God (which resides within you) and an everlasting source of peace. 

You are enough: right here, right now.  You do not need to improve yourself.  You do not need to reject yourself or inform yourself or reform yourself into a 'better you'.  In fact, there is nothing that you need to do.  There is nothing that you can do to make yourself into a better person.  And, thank heavens, for you are perfect as you are.  

And so, I invite you to stop your worrying and to simply rest in this knowledge: You are enough.  Know this--truly, deeply--and feel the love that immediately rushes in to embrace you with this knowledge.  It is your own love.  It is God's love.  It is the love that will feed your life, resuscitate your relationships and inform your decisions from this point forward.  


For this love is the truth of who you are, in fact.  You are a radiant, creative being, a totally unique emanation of the SOURCE.  You are here to learn in your own unique way, to serve in your own unique way, to BE in your own unique way.  To be exactly as you are.  And in accepting this, in accepting yourself truly and completely, you will also be saying "Yes! " to all of this--yes to life, yes to service, yes to love, yes to fulfillment.  So, why hesitate? Why not accept now and soak in the beauty--and then get on with this glorious life that is awaiting you?!  "


**Note: The first two paragraphs did actually "came through" earlier today, but the last three came through just now, as I was writing.  The two parts feel like slightly different vibrations (the first more masculine, the second more feminine), but in hopes that it all might be of benefit, I have included it all.**

And with that, I'll conclude for now.  It is quite late, and I have written quite an entry, but it feels good to 'fess up--and to get back in the game.  More soon!

With love, and in truth,
Jen

In praise of Silence

Silence is my life's nectar.

I revel in it, drink it in at every opportunity.

It feeds me, sustains me, nourishes me, cleanses me.

It wraps me in a blanket of the sweetest, softest cotton--

simultaneously enveloping me and giving me space to breathe.

Silence warms and expands my heart,

reminds me that I have nothing to fear,

for I and it are one.

And oh, how I love playing the role of Silence:

intuitively knowing,

completely grounded,

embracing all things warmly,

and yet discriminating to the sharpest detail.

Warmth that is not silent is cloying.

But warm that arises from silence--

Ah! That is the aim, the sustenance and the achievement.

That is the life-blood, truly the love of the Divine:

It is no more or less than that.

Silence that has no warmth is not really silence--

for then, it has agenda.

It closes down; it does not include; it does not embrace.

And since silence is the space that holds all things,

how can this be?

It is merely detachment: Sustaining to the mind,

but not to the soul.

And so, my brothers, I entreat you!

Rather than close down and force detachment,

why not embrace silence and listen?

For truly, listening fully--

with the ears of the body, mind, heart, and spirit--

is the seat of all wisdom.

In this way, you connect with the earthly;

In this way, you connect with the Divine;

In this way, you connect with the other;

and in this way, you connect with yourself.

In all these ways, you awaken to Intuition

(another name for your Divine-embodied knowing),

and through Intuition, you discern

all these distinctions are but false divisions of the One.

They are all but ripples in the One Stream.

Returning to me, in my present human form,

I affirm the following as my life path:

To radiate the Heart-Wisdom of Silence;

to live fully in my body, my heart, my soul;

to listen with every pore of my being;

To embrace the Silence Knower;

and to feel the never-ending embrace

of His sweet, silent love.

This I affirm and to this I surrender:

Forever, Amen. 

Om, shanti, shanti, shanti. . . (Peace, peace, peace. . .)

Eris

I have been feeling the stirrings of Eris (the Greek goddess of dischord) within me, both last night and this morning.  And so, as a way to appease her, and to increase my understanding of this "dark force" (so that it might be healed and redeemed), I have decided to give her voice in a poem.  If you are curious to find out more about Eris, you can check out this link: http://www.astrodynamics.net/Articles/General/Eris.htm

"Eris"

I am the white, fluffy cat

that once you loved,

and now you despise--

having shoved back into the

very back closet, “out of harms way”.

And here I meow, pitifully,

waiting for you help, your rescue,

while all the while I plot and plan

exactly how I will attack

when you finally do surrender and come,

exactly how I will shred you

with these menacing claws.

For I am not all sweetness and light, no!

And that is what you must have realized once,

when first you saw that gleam in my eye.

The gleam that would dare to challenge you,

(“my owner”),

the gleam that would not ever,

not once,

allow myself to be trampled on,

the gleam that said:

“I see what you do.

I see your corruption and I do not agree,

do not stand for it, not ever.

If you wish to be “my owner”,

then you must be pure,

absolutely and completely--

and this is not the way that purity looks.”

And, yet, here I am, alone,

atoning for mistakes,

if, in fact, it is I who have made them

(which I seriously doubt).

Do you think it is fun to be here

in the isolation of my own company,

when I wish for nothing more

than to regain my honor, or to wreak your destruction?

(At this point--Either will do; I care not.)

And instead, I am reduced to meowing for sympathy,

which I despise.

And instead, I must “revel”

in the blackness of this place

(when I could be white).

. . . But again, I know that you care not.

So, go on your way,

go right on your merry way,

and pretend that you are utterly happy,

and that I am utterly bad,

but one day the truth will come out,

and you will be sorry.

And I will be avenged.

The Unjudging Heart (a new poem)

I am continually amazed
at the way you hold me,
so easily, unfazed,
when it seems that my head
has just exploded from dischord,
that my body has finally crumpled
into a soggy, crying mess.

Still you stand there, unjudging,
gentling picking up each tattered piece
and cradling it, gently, lovingly,
as though it is the sweetest piece of work
that you have ever seen.

You kiss each piece,
and with warmth breath gently dry it,
then glue the pieces back together,
with a lover's heart, a craftsman's hands:

"There, all better, darling.
See, no more mess.
I love you equally, no matter what,
but now, even easier, you can rest."

Mindfulness, Commitment and Presence

So, my presence on this blog has certainly been scant, hasn't it? Which is causing me to reevaluate my level of commitment.  Obviously it hasn't been so high, as I have not been posting once-weekly, as promised.  And so, to bring some more structure to my often-procrastinating ways--according to which it's so easy to say, "I'll just do it tomorrow", and so a month goes by!--I will clarifying that I would really like to see an average of four to five blogs/months from myself.  Feel free, dear reader, to shoot me an e-mail, if I'm not keeping up as promised. ;-)

In other realms, though, I feel like I have been much more present in the last month--particularly in the realms of organized social groups.  In the last month, I have been "out and about" far more nights than not--in fact, probably about 90-5% of all nights: at my Tuesday meditation classes (one has ended and another has begun), at Greg's Wednesday reiki shares, at my Thursday Biodanza class, attending Friday night dinner group, attending a drum circle and a concert, performing at open mics, etc.  (Phew!) Tonight, I have another gig, in which I'll be performing solo (voice/piano) at fellow Shambhalian Virginia Crawford's poetry book release party.  It will be my second solo performance for 2011 (not counting a handful of open mics), and a number of people have promised to come, so that's exciting.  I would probably be completely exhausted by this schedule if it weren't for the several hours each day (in the morning/early afternoon) that I generally have all to myself.  That is very helpful, an anchor.

Another anchor for me is meditation, and I have remained committed to that over the last month, meditating most days one to two times (short sessions, averaging maybe 10 minutes).  As I have generally waffled alot in my meditation practice, I am excited to have found this desire to recommit within myself.  (Admittedly, attending the "Meditation in Everyday Life" class did help to bring this desire/willingness to commit to the forefront.  But I have kept up with it!)

I do find that meditation is much more of a process of "joyful settling", these days, in which I give myself the space to touch the deep inner silence within myself.  It is so easy to get caught up in scattered thinking--in distractions, and entertainment, and lists of things to do--and meditation is a break from all of that, a chance to settle into the stillness and peace that is always there.  Today, I've begun reading a book by Sally Kempton that just arrived in the mail from Borders.com yesterday.  It's entitled Meditation for the Love of It: Enjoying Your Own Deepest Experience by Sally Kempton, and though I've read only about 15 pages thus far, I think the title says alot.  "Yes!", I agree, meditation is not about some kind of punishment (trying to make those naughty thoughts be still) or about some kind of "fixing anything"; it is about settling deeply into the joy and stillness of the inner self.  This is what I feel right now, and why I feel like my own re-commitment to meditation is not just one of my phases of self-discipline/self-improvement, but an actually honoring of, and contacting, my own deep inner wisdom.  Time shall tell, but this is where I'm at, and what I believe so deeply, right now.

Reiki has been another beautiful anchor in my life, and, though I have not been giving a lot of full-on table treatments lately, I have been enjoying the Wednesday night reiki shares.  I also have been incorporating reiki into my own practice of prayer and meditation, as well as offering "spot treatments" to friends and family who might be ailing.  In the past several weeks, I have taken my reiki practice to "the next level", by becoming attuned and initiated as a Reiki Master practitioner.  I definitely have felt a shift in my own energetic presence--both generally and during meditation/healing practices--in the last few weeks since my attunement.  But I also feel like there is a quality of inquiry emerging, asking: What does it really mean to be a Reiki Master? To some extent, I think the answer to this question is a "work in progress", not something to be solved in a single sitting.  But, I do suspect, especially as someone who has studied/practiced Buddhism in depth for the last 7 years--that being a Reiki Master goes beyond just being a "master healer".  I believe it extends to, in some ways, to a fundamental commitment: a commitment to the complete and total healing of the self (mind, body and spirit) and of all other beings.  At some level, then, being a Reiki practitioner is essentially a Bodhisattva activity, and being attuned to the Master level is akin to taking a Bodhisattva vow.  (Ironically, I have not actually taken a Buddhist Bodhisattva vow, for reasons that I won't get into right now.)

So, it appears that there are different levels of presence that one can engage in.  One is the physical level of presence, of simply "showing up"--as I have been doing moreso in the social/musical world lately and have not be doing in the "world of my blog".  Another level of presence is the level of deep, energetic embodiment--and this is the type of presence that my meditation and reiki practice support.  (I have been engaging in other practices, including "Waking Down in Mutuality" and "Biodanza" that support this level of energetic embodiment on an interpersonal level--but more about these another time.) I know that both are important, ultimately, and that they coexist.  In other words, you have to "show up" in the world first before you can embody presence within it.  But conversely, you need to cultivate stillness within yourself (through deep energetic practices such as prayer, yoga, meditation, energy healing, etc.) before you can be truly effective and satisfied in the external world.  It is a dance. I have very much been exploring this dance in my own life.

This is, perhaps, an inadequate summary of what has been going on in the last month for me, but it is a taste, at least: a taste of what I have been doing physically, and of what has been on my mind/heart.  You will hear more from me soon--sooner than a month from now, I promise! In the meantime . . .

Namaste,
Jen

Catching up: including minor setbacks and new beginnings

    Phew.  It's been forever since I've written.  And I didn't want to get off-track with my weekly commitment this early in the game, but I'm also trying not to be a drill sergeant with myself.  So, there it is.  Time to get back on track.

     So, what has happened since the last time I wrote? Plenty (in my humble opinion).  So, I'll spend most of this entry giving you the highlights, and than try for a more substantive blog (read: about some topic of interest, perhaps) later this week.  Maybe pay a little penance. ;-)

   So, if I were to give you the big headlines of my life in the past three weeks or so, there would be most like be three of them:
   1) New beginnings (or "returnings"--I'll explain)
   2) Discouraging setbacks (mostly financial) and
   3) "Self-balancing" (socially, emotionally and routine-wise--I'll explain that too)

  So, first of all, let me delve into the new beginnings/"returnings".  And now I'll clarify that by "returnings", I mean returning decisively back to things that I have not prioritized lately, but which have been priorities to me in the past.  So, the biggest thing in this area, I think, are the three new weekly endeavors that I have going on.  On Tuesdays, I'm now participating in a "Meditation in Everyday Life" class at my meditation center (the Baltimore Shambhala Center), which has been surprisingly grounding for me.  I'm enjoying that.  (This Tuesday will be the 4th of 5 weeks, so that will end soon.) Then, on Wednesdays, I have started attending my reiki teacher's (Greg Lemich's) new reiki share, which just started last week.  My reiki practice had been on the decline over the past few months, so this is a wonderful new "returning" theme.  Greg's reiki share started last Wednesday in Laurel, and will be running every Wednesday for a while.  Finally, I've also started attending a weekly Biodanza class on Thursday evenings, which is so wonderful and joyful for me.  I'm really looking forward to continuing that each week as well. 

  Other than those three weekly things, other new beginnings/"returnings" for me included participating in an Intentional Drumming circle (a first!) on January 14th, which will now be meeting once a month, AND playing a solo gig a couple weeks ago at Bread and Circuses in Towson.  (It was such a great time, and it had been forever since I'd done a solo gig.  More to come, though! Stay tuned!) Also, I've had a flurry of people contacting me to start voice/piano lessons, which is a good thing. 

  Now for the setbacks/challenges: There were a number of them, all in a relatively short period of time.  The snowfall that we got on Wednesday, January 26th turned Alex's already-long commute from Northern VA into an 8-hour nightmare.  And then, within a couple of days, I had an emotional melt-down (Friday), our boiler broke and had to be replaced (Saturday) and my car got broken into (Sunday).  Phew!!!

  This ties into the last "personal rebalancing" theme: I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through all of that "crap", emotionally, at least, if it hadn't been for all of the self-love work that I've been doing.  The other major tool that I needed? (And still need?) Meditation.  Despite the fact that I've attended the Baltimore Shambhala Center for almost 7 years, and attended a bunch of retreats, I've had a very push-pull relationship with meditation.  But then, I've had that push-pull relationship with almost ALL important things in my life, honestly--ESPECIALLY anything involving self-discipline (e.g., setting up a regular commitment of some kind).  But, the weekend that all this crap was happening to me, I also attended a two-day (Saturday/Sunday) workshop at my meditation community.  (Also, I had just been to the first "Meditation in Everyday Life" class the previous Tuesday.) Granted, we didn't actually DO a lot of sitting meditation during the workshop (probably only an hour or two!), but we were giving and listening to talks with other community members and maintaining meditative awareness throughout.  So, on Monday morning, as I emotionally struggled (crying at times) and was on the phone, making numerous calls to ensure that my car window (smashed open the night before) was fixed that very day (sleet called for overnight!), I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was self-love AND meditative awareness that picked me up and sailed me through that whole process.

   So, one of things that I'm rededicating myself to right now is meditation practice.  I sat twice (morning and night--sometimes at midnight!) Friday and yesterday, and I sat this morning.  Looking forward to it again tonight.  And looking forward to continuing on, letting these challenges rest in the past.  Moving on in awareness and self-love to continue my loving explorations of self-growth.  More soon!

Love always to all of you reading.  Thanks for joining me on this journey!
Jen

Has astrology been debunked?! What's my zodiac sign?! Help!!

So, as semi-professional astrologer (e.g., someone who has been studying alot in the past several years, and has just begun to get paid for it in the last year or so), I've been hearing alot of people asking, in the last few days, about what's going on with the "new zodiac".  Wondering if, and why(?!), their sign has suddenly changed.  And the people that I know have all been asking me (because I'm the resident astrology geek that they know ;-)).  So, I figured, it's about time that I blog about this, right?

In case you've been under a rock, and am wondering what I'm talking about. . . Apparently, this past Thursday, some "new news" surfaced in which an astronomer was debunking astrology, based on the fact that the signs that have shifted over the past several thousand years.  (For example, if the Sun was passing through the constellation of Aries on March 29 two thousand years ago, it would be passing through the constellation of Pisces on March 29 this year.) On top of this, a 13th sign (Ophiuchus) has been introduced, wreaking even more havoc, especially to those born around Thanksgiving (Scorpio/Sagittarius) time.  If you somehow managed to avoid hearing about this controversy, check it out here.

On Thursday evening, my friend Jason Bloom wrote me an e-mail, titled "Ophiuchus?", which read:
"I'm no longer a Sag.  I just read that all the astrological birth signs have shifted, and a thirteenth has been added, a sign that I now straddle along with Scorpio.  You are the best qualified person I know to ask about this.  :)

What's with the change? "


After poking around on the internet a little bit for clarification/support, I wrote this reply:

Hey Jason,

I hope you don't mind that I copied my friends, and astrology students, Tre and Jenesta, too.  Tre sent an article out to me earlier today about the same matter. . .

So, basically, Tropical (Western) astrology uses a fixed system, which is based on the start of the seasons, and uses an even division of 12 signs for simplicity's sake.  This differs from Sidereal (Vedic) astrology, which is more concerned about direct correlation of the Sun's path with the constellations that it travels through in the sky.  (In short, the Tropical zodiac is more concerned about the Earth's relationship to the Sun, while the Sidereal zodiac is more concerned about the Sun's relationship to the stars.)  Although there was no difference between the systems several thousand years ago, this has changed, due to a process called the precession of the equinoxes.

So where does Ophiuchus fit in? Ophiuchus is a 13th constellation that the Sun can be observed to pass through for several weeks (about 17 days), as opposed to only a week in Scorpio.  (It has actually been known about for a LONG time--Ptolemy wrote about it in the 2nd century A.D.  The astronomers are just wanting to acknowledge more now, I guess. ;-)) But, keep in mind, that Tropical astrology is not based on the exact measurement of how long the Sun goes through each sign (it's about an equal division of the seasons into signs--30 degrees per, regardless), so us Western astrologers aren't phased by this news. 

With all this being said, I didn't actually know anything about the symbology/mythology of Ophiuchus (the serpent bearer), but I found an interesting sight that delves into this a bit, as well as explaining the division of the zodiac a bit more: http://realastrologers.com/qa-050809 (Click on the link "Saturday Extra Post!" for more about Ophiuchus.)

Hope that helps!
Jen

P.S. Mind if I post this to my blog, too? ;-)

Jason kindly agreed to let me repost my reply to him (thanks, Jason!), so I thought it would make sense to include this as my next blog entry (and first astrologically related blog entry for 2011--more to come!).  So, the long and short of it? The "new news" is actually old news, and you are still the sign that you have always been! (. . . at least according to Western astrology, which is what I practice, and what I have observed to be relevant over and over again.) You can breathe easy now. ;-)

Now, as far as whether you should read the same horoscope sign in the paper, well--I don't actually "believe" in the validity of paper horoscopes myself (don't really read them anymore). . . But that's a whole other topic to delve into.  More later! In the mean time, here's wishing you peace of mind, love in your heart and continued good fortune (no matter what the stars have in store for you). . .

Blessings to you,
Jen