I love ecstatic experience. I crave it. I also have an intention to ground myself more, to come more into the (often very messy) details of my life and create practical change and order. Am I finding these two attitudes to be contradictory? Sometimes. . . Yes. But in the grand scheme of things? Absolutely not. Allow me to explain:
Case one is this blog. My original intention with this blog was to write every week. Instead, I haven't written since June. . . Three months! I've recommitted myself to regular writing in the past and it just hasn't stuck. I could give excuses. Say how busy and crazy the summer was. How it's hard to translate the difficult moments of my life onto the page while being immersed in them. (There's a desire not to betray the people or institutions in my life that I have struggled with and also a plain old fear of embarrassment.) I could ruminate about how I never set a regular day of the week to write and so it's easy to see how I would "fail" in this endeavor, not be so regular as the "every day for 30 days" project that I attempt. It's easy to wallow in excuses, in ruminations, in self-flagellation. What brings me out of it? Inspiration.
Inspiration is what puts a song in my heart, what sets me singing and dancing around the house. Inspiration is what gives me a vision, a purpose. Inspiration is joy, the reason for living, the impetus to reach out and connect with other people in some meaningful, or even silly!, way. It is the reason to be out there, in the world. It is the reason to be myself and follow my heart. It is the fire, the spark of life. It's the reason I perform, the reason why I teach, the reason why I created my album "Natural Surreality".
To bring in an astrological perspective: The planet Mars went into the sign of Leo late last night. I spent the last bit of the evening laughing and, playfully, verbally sparring with my husband--not in a negative way at all, just good, un-self-conscious fun. (Proceeded with, and followed by, lots of cuddles.) The kind of thing that brought us together. Today, I've been enjoying a morning off (I teach on weekend mornings, so today is kind of my weekend morning): watching videos on YouTube, snuggling with my cats, singing/playing piano and now writing this blog. Elementally, Leo is the sign of "fixed" (meaning, enduring) fire. It's also the sign that rules performing, self-expression and just plain having fun, being like a kid again. And I welcome this new energy. Thanks, Mars in Leo!
Fire, or inspiration is so essential. It's the reason why I was able to move out of self-absorbed "stuckness" (one possible negative manifestation of Mars in Cancer, which is a water sign) to write this blog today. I had been wanting to write for a while, but not sure what about or how to communicate something "worthwhile" and personally meaningful. Then, last Sunday, while sitting under a tree, meditating and invoking the energy of the beautifully full moon (in the sign of Pisces, my "home", or natal, moon sign), I felt filled with joy and peace. And the first inspiration came: "I could blog again. I feel ready to write."
Then, it was a just a matter of either: a) going immediately with that feeling (allowing the "charge" from that experience to charge my own writing) or b) setting aside (proactive) or "finding" (passive) time to do the blog post. I didn't immediately go with the feeling then (the fire-y thing to do) or set aside the time (the earthy, grounded thing to do) but the stage was set. And luckily, today I had the same opportunity. I was running on the relaxed but pleasant charge of an open Leonine-infused morning, and then sat down to make my list of things to do this week, over a late breakfast (cue earthy, Virgo-an practically and paying attention to the body). Blogging was one of the things on the list. So, when the inspiration popped into my head (I crave ecstatic expereience. I am also trying hard to ground myself. . . Are they things contradictory?"), and I realized I had the free time, I decided to go with it.
I've been playing (there that's Leo word again!) with joining fire and earth more, with acknowledging and following the inspiration: not just to sing, but to make lists, to put away that pile of papers, to call/text that person I haven't gotten back to and let them know I care (there's some water/air too), to make a sorting system for my incoming bills, to respond to the e-mails I've been ignoring, to compliment someone and not hold back, to hug someone I care about. . . . To go hiking! (That's earthy/firey, moving the body, stimulating health, feeding my soul.) So, yeah, in inspired style, I've listed some things that are very earthy and practical (doing the bills list) along with some things that are more about air/water (reaching out and connecting with others). But the point is that fire, inspiration, can ignite it all! And I'm finding that to be the case in my life.
Now, I will acknowledge that not everything feels so inspired to me (like, sitting down to do my taxes before the extension deadline this year, or logging my mileage every day after driving). Some things involve top-down decision making, planning, a willingness to be patient and bear with a difficult process. This is all very relevant and I honor the willingness and necessity of slugging through the trenches, not turning away from the tough stuff. I'm all about that too.
But today, this week, I wanted to hold that special place for fire, for how it moves and shapes and inspires. I am so grateful to have a wind underneath my feet and a reason to write today, as I start my week. Here's wishing all of you a wonderful, blessed and, most of all, inspired, week this week. Namaste.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
And now, returning
And so, here I am again, not totally sure what I will write about, but feeling it is time to write. I do know that the tone will probably be a lot different than last time I wrote: The astro-geek side of me notes that, on the last day that I wrote, the planetoid/asteroid Chiron (representing the archetype of the wounded healer) was stationing, e.g., at a "stand still" while changing from forward motion in the sky to retrograde motion in the sky. Planets do tend to exhibit greater than usual power when stationing, and, in this case, Chiron was, for me, bringing up a lot of old wounds that were ready to be healed. I certainly plunged into this process on that day, in terms of choosing to write about the loaded emotional/transformational journey that I had been undergoing over the recent months, and so I apologize if it was a "bit much" to read. It certainly felt cathartic and healing to me to get that energy "off my chest", so to speak.
. . . Today I do not feel nearly as "loaded" and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for a lot of things, actually, and so maybe that would be a good thing to begin writing about. I am grateful for my husband and for my friends and family--so deeply, deeply grateful for those who are willing to show up and be honest, loving and emotionally available. I am grateful for the abundance of musical opportunities that have been coming my way: 10 gigs in June!--including a solo opening for an out-of-town duo, and a lucrative private engagement for a lovely elderly couple, plus an upcoming show in NYC (a first). It really is astounding, the things that are pouring in. And most of all, I am grateful, so, so grateful, that life is so forgiving--that I am really learning that I can boldly be my authentic self and this is okay, that I can have a vision and others will support it, that I can relax and enjoy myself in almost any situation. It is a beautiful thing to discover. I am so, so blessed. In practical terms, I have a lot of responsibility right now, and a lot of things to attend to, but that is okay. That does not nullify or obscure the blessing that life is. I trust that there is an inner compass within me that knows exactly what needs to be done, and how, if I choose to listen to it, to settle down and pay attention.
So yeah, that's sort of the really, really basic overview. Another thing that I'm investigating right now are my dreams--and what does it take to go from being a "pie in the sky" individual to someone who actually, passionately, lives their dreams and follows through on a real and practical level. So, I'm asking myself the question, what is it that I really want to do, that I'm passionate about? And then, different answers come up. There are some things that are obvious, that I'm already doing--performing creative music for an audience, as an example. Giving astrology consultations. Dancing and singing. Healing work--especially transformative healing work (e.g., work that involves personal change on a deep level). And teaching--particularly in fostering the creativity and unique voice of another individual, giving them tools to help them develop themselves. (Right now, my teaching vehicle is as a music teacher.)
But I feel like I'm about to move into a very important stage in my life, and this is why the simplification and clarification and grounding--along with vision!--are sooo necessary. I am moving out of the stage of personal, private healing and explorations, and into the stage of working more meaningfully with other people, while, at the same time finding my own unique voice and vision.
I can intuitively feel this transition, I am in the process of it, and yet the way is still nebulous to me. BUT. . . I do feel like it has a lot to do with learning to work in a deeply collaborative way in order to more strongly affect change in myself and others. And more deeply and consistently putting myself into situations where I can use my "sixth sense" of intuitively finding harmony and balance and putting it into practice. Also, I know it involves my ability to teach--both directly, and by example (e.g., embodying/demonstrating a principle). I know that the work that I need to do involves music--singing it and moving to it in authentic but nuanced ways. And finally, I know that I need to begin transcribing the information that I have figured out and encoded--whether vocal/energetic or astro/energetic--to begin encoding it and writing it so that I can more effectively disseminate this material to others.
To decide to engage intentionally in this work, to tease it apart and to commit, is scary, but so necessary. I know that this is my path. To sit around and wait forever, always following other's initiatives and then crying about not being heard--that is not what I need any longer. I need to commit to discovering my own voice, while honoring the beneficial commitments that I have already made to support and collaborate with others as well.
To get more specific about what "my voice" might be: I see myself, 10 years from now (maybe 5?) as a spiritual teacher and faciliator of energetic and transformational processes, especially those that involve creatively expressing the self (especially through movement and music). I see myself having a "center" of my own, or being well-establishing in a spiritual community (could be Shambhala, my own healing center--both, neither, this part is unclear) and this being the basis of what I do. But I also travel, maybe once or twice a month, to other locations, to faciliate the movement/voice/healing work that I do, and to give workshops and performances. I continue to work both on a personal coaching/teaching level AND on a group level. Both are important. I know that I am doing some amount of writing, but mainly to clarify and explicate the principles that I teach. Am I published? I think so--but am not sure on those details. I know that I am still performing, both solo and in some kind of group--but am I leading it? This is unclear. In whatever group I am in, the musically process is deeply creative, collaborative and fulfilling for all involved. I believe I am still working with atro/energetic archetypes as well but how?--I am not sure about this part. That is unclear. So, there's a lot to be worked out, but an outline is there.
So, this is the vision, which is a ways down the road, I think 5/10 years. It is a bit fuzzy, and I know there are a lot of details to be filled in, perhaps some that will change. But for now, the wheels are beginning to turn. I am learning to work with groups in my Shambhala center and am taking baby steps towards becoming a teacher there--about to give an open house talk and looking forward to being involved in a Improvisation class that the new director is about to run, to the extent that I can. (The class is running on the same night as my Biodanza dance/movment class, so sadly, some "split time" is needed, but I will be able to dance with that.) I am learning how to relax into my teaching more and to do it an a collaborative and more intuitive way, so that is good too. I am hoping to co-teach a Reiki class at some point as well, in order to learn more about teaching/facilitating an intuitive process in others. I also really want to get into fleshing out and writing down the details about my energetically-influenced way of working with vocal students (a process that I will perhaps, one day, market under the title of "Vocal Energetics"). To explain this process would require a whole other entry (and I promise you that sometime soon!), but if you want to get an idea of what I'm talking about, check out this entry from my old blog, when this idea first became birthed: http://jen-30daysofwriting.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-9-vocal-reiki-healing.html There is much more to say about that process, but now is not the time.
Now is the time to wind up this writing. Perhaps, when I blog next, I will delve more into a specific energetic, vocal or astrology concept that I'm working with. In the meantime, for now, I am grateful to begin writing regularly again. And I am grateful for the growth opportunites (in music, in relationship, and in attending to real world detail) that life is handing me.
Namaste,
Jen
. . . Today I do not feel nearly as "loaded" and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for a lot of things, actually, and so maybe that would be a good thing to begin writing about. I am grateful for my husband and for my friends and family--so deeply, deeply grateful for those who are willing to show up and be honest, loving and emotionally available. I am grateful for the abundance of musical opportunities that have been coming my way: 10 gigs in June!--including a solo opening for an out-of-town duo, and a lucrative private engagement for a lovely elderly couple, plus an upcoming show in NYC (a first). It really is astounding, the things that are pouring in. And most of all, I am grateful, so, so grateful, that life is so forgiving--that I am really learning that I can boldly be my authentic self and this is okay, that I can have a vision and others will support it, that I can relax and enjoy myself in almost any situation. It is a beautiful thing to discover. I am so, so blessed. In practical terms, I have a lot of responsibility right now, and a lot of things to attend to, but that is okay. That does not nullify or obscure the blessing that life is. I trust that there is an inner compass within me that knows exactly what needs to be done, and how, if I choose to listen to it, to settle down and pay attention.
So yeah, that's sort of the really, really basic overview. Another thing that I'm investigating right now are my dreams--and what does it take to go from being a "pie in the sky" individual to someone who actually, passionately, lives their dreams and follows through on a real and practical level. So, I'm asking myself the question, what is it that I really want to do, that I'm passionate about? And then, different answers come up. There are some things that are obvious, that I'm already doing--performing creative music for an audience, as an example. Giving astrology consultations. Dancing and singing. Healing work--especially transformative healing work (e.g., work that involves personal change on a deep level). And teaching--particularly in fostering the creativity and unique voice of another individual, giving them tools to help them develop themselves. (Right now, my teaching vehicle is as a music teacher.)
But I feel like I'm about to move into a very important stage in my life, and this is why the simplification and clarification and grounding--along with vision!--are sooo necessary. I am moving out of the stage of personal, private healing and explorations, and into the stage of working more meaningfully with other people, while, at the same time finding my own unique voice and vision.
I can intuitively feel this transition, I am in the process of it, and yet the way is still nebulous to me. BUT. . . I do feel like it has a lot to do with learning to work in a deeply collaborative way in order to more strongly affect change in myself and others. And more deeply and consistently putting myself into situations where I can use my "sixth sense" of intuitively finding harmony and balance and putting it into practice. Also, I know it involves my ability to teach--both directly, and by example (e.g., embodying/demonstrating a principle). I know that the work that I need to do involves music--singing it and moving to it in authentic but nuanced ways. And finally, I know that I need to begin transcribing the information that I have figured out and encoded--whether vocal/energetic or astro/energetic--to begin encoding it and writing it so that I can more effectively disseminate this material to others.
To decide to engage intentionally in this work, to tease it apart and to commit, is scary, but so necessary. I know that this is my path. To sit around and wait forever, always following other's initiatives and then crying about not being heard--that is not what I need any longer. I need to commit to discovering my own voice, while honoring the beneficial commitments that I have already made to support and collaborate with others as well.
To get more specific about what "my voice" might be: I see myself, 10 years from now (maybe 5?) as a spiritual teacher and faciliator of energetic and transformational processes, especially those that involve creatively expressing the self (especially through movement and music). I see myself having a "center" of my own, or being well-establishing in a spiritual community (could be Shambhala, my own healing center--both, neither, this part is unclear) and this being the basis of what I do. But I also travel, maybe once or twice a month, to other locations, to faciliate the movement/voice/healing work that I do, and to give workshops and performances. I continue to work both on a personal coaching/teaching level AND on a group level. Both are important. I know that I am doing some amount of writing, but mainly to clarify and explicate the principles that I teach. Am I published? I think so--but am not sure on those details. I know that I am still performing, both solo and in some kind of group--but am I leading it? This is unclear. In whatever group I am in, the musically process is deeply creative, collaborative and fulfilling for all involved. I believe I am still working with atro/energetic archetypes as well but how?--I am not sure about this part. That is unclear. So, there's a lot to be worked out, but an outline is there.
So, this is the vision, which is a ways down the road, I think 5/10 years. It is a bit fuzzy, and I know there are a lot of details to be filled in, perhaps some that will change. But for now, the wheels are beginning to turn. I am learning to work with groups in my Shambhala center and am taking baby steps towards becoming a teacher there--about to give an open house talk and looking forward to being involved in a Improvisation class that the new director is about to run, to the extent that I can. (The class is running on the same night as my Biodanza dance/movment class, so sadly, some "split time" is needed, but I will be able to dance with that.) I am learning how to relax into my teaching more and to do it an a collaborative and more intuitive way, so that is good too. I am hoping to co-teach a Reiki class at some point as well, in order to learn more about teaching/facilitating an intuitive process in others. I also really want to get into fleshing out and writing down the details about my energetically-influenced way of working with vocal students (a process that I will perhaps, one day, market under the title of "Vocal Energetics"). To explain this process would require a whole other entry (and I promise you that sometime soon!), but if you want to get an idea of what I'm talking about, check out this entry from my old blog, when this idea first became birthed: http://jen-30daysofwriting.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-9-vocal-reiki-healing.html There is much more to say about that process, but now is not the time.
Now is the time to wind up this writing. Perhaps, when I blog next, I will delve more into a specific energetic, vocal or astrology concept that I'm working with. In the meantime, for now, I am grateful to begin writing regularly again. And I am grateful for the growth opportunites (in music, in relationship, and in attending to real world detail) that life is handing me.
Namaste,
Jen
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Confession: Tail between my legs? A shot at redemption? Or something more?
Here's the confession:
It fills a bit embarrassing to write again after all this time has passed. Weeks. Months. It feels like sending a letter to that friend who had made an important request or e-mailed a heart-felt, well-penned note. It's been weeks, now, since she sent that note, and many times you could have sat down, but you were busy. And you thought: "I'll have more time to sit down and really give her my full attention tomorrow. I'm a bit too worn out right now; I deserve a break. "
And so now, weeks later, here you finally are, sitting down. But your mind pokes you, chatters at you, as you type up your response. It badgers you with the hard, hurtful questions: What if she's totally given up on you by now?. . . . What if you've let her down and she no longer considers you a friend?. . . What if you bare your heart now, after these many weeks and she simply says: 'If she really cared, she would have been there for me earlier, when I needed her. She wouldn't have run away. '
Lest this sound all to hypothetical, lest it seem that I am projecting my feelings of inadequacy onto a nebulous "you", I will come out now and say it:
I am the person who does these things. I am the person who runs away. Often, and at the drop of a hat. And I am the person who follows through--compulsively, never letting myself off the hook. And so, it is a bit embarrassing to 'fess up to this. To confess that my ambitions in life are often just ambitions and rarely a chain of steps meticulously followed through--especially not when honoring that deepest of friends, the one I really want to be there for: Myself.
But I am learning, right? So, better to show up now, months out of step, totally embarrassed, and to get back in the game, then to quit and never explain. Better for you, maybe, but definitely better for myself. This, I am learning.
Honestly? It recently dawned on me that for most of my life (if not the whole darn thing) I have not wanted to be in this world, with two feet planted on the ground. I have wanted to do a good job. I have wanted to keep a secret. I have wanted to immerse myself in fantasy. I have wanted to be rescued. I have wanted to be understood. I have wanted to be LOVED (especially by other people). I have wanted to be admired--wanted to earn an easy ticket to life through one stroke of recognized creative brilliance.
But I have not wanted to live in this world. I have not wanted to craft my life piece by piece, picking up each piece of trash that I have left loitering around, cluttering my space. I have not wanted to see all that trash, because I thought it made me unlovable, unreedeemable. And yet, every time I looked, there it was: TRASH. Debt to pay. Mountains of obligations. An unclean home. An unclean mind. Moods. Depression. Elation. Grandiosity. Paranoia. And I would think to myself: This is untenable. This is unworkable. I can't do anything with all of of this trash.
Except that I know, KNOW, now that this is not true. Not true. Just because there have been many messes in my life, just because there is trash that I am cleaning up, does not mean that I am trash. No sirree. Not going to abuse myself like that any longer.
It is scary seeing the multitude of ways in which I have skillfully avoided reality, in which I have seen only what I have wanted to see. But it is also liberating. For the fear disappears when I realize that the mistakes that I have made do not mean anything about ME. They do not mean that that I am a mistake.
How sad to have lived with the belief that I must be perfect to be lovable. That I must be impressive. That I must be unemotional. I am not these things! I am an failable human being who is just as often unimpressive as impressive, who is just as often emotional as unemotional. And "Hallelujah!" to that. That is okay. In fact--That is perfect. I love and accept myself as an "imperfect" human being.
It is because I love and accept myself that I can write all of this, that I am willing to recommit, even knowing that I may falter again. It is because I love and accept myself that I can pick up each piece of trash and throw it away, knowing that any mistakes were made by a confused and hurting girl who was doing the best she could. It is because I love and accept myself that I can commit to the things that feed my body, heart and soul: Things like meditation (the art of paying attention and resting with what is); things like dancing and music (truly the lifeblood of the soul); things like letting other people into my life (knowing they do accept me and are not just there to judge and take advantage of me, as I often assume). It is because I love and accept myself that I can and will commit to doing the more mundane things that scare the pants of me--like learning to budget, cleaning out my car, learning how to organize events and book my own shows. (This latter part is very much a work in progress--I have taken only minor steps in the journey, but know it is where I need to be right now.)
Here is a message that came through me earlier today, that I wrote down earlier today, for myself and to share. I will end with this:
"Taking care of yourself is the most important thing. If you act towards YOURSELF consistently with love--if you honor yourself, comfort yourself, educate yourself, speak truthfully to yourself, then you will be able to do this for others as well. Most of the time you forget yourself: You forget yourself by seeking approval, by turning away from your heart towards your head, by believing those head voices that whine or panic incessantly, or by going on automatic pilot. I am not here to chastise you, only to show you that you do this, and to remind you that there is another way.
Do you truly seek peace? Do you deeply long for comfort, for joy and love and fulfillment? If so, know this truly: You will NOT find it "out there ". You will find it ONLY by tuning in to the center of your being--that is, your heart--and aligning the rest of yourself (mind, body, speech, actions) to that frequency. In doing so, you will find the love of God (which resides within you) and an everlasting source of peace.
You are enough: right here, right now. You do not need to improve yourself. You do not need to reject yourself or inform yourself or reform yourself into a 'better you'. In fact, there is nothing that you need to do. There is nothing that you can do to make yourself into a better person. And, thank heavens, for you are perfect as you are.
And so, I invite you to stop your worrying and to simply rest in this knowledge: You are enough. Know this--truly, deeply--and feel the love that immediately rushes in to embrace you with this knowledge. It is your own love. It is God's love. It is the love that will feed your life, resuscitate your relationships and inform your decisions from this point forward.
For this love is the truth of who you are, in fact. You are a radiant, creative being, a totally unique emanation of the SOURCE. You are here to learn in your own unique way, to serve in your own unique way, to BE in your own unique way. To be exactly as you are. And in accepting this, in accepting yourself truly and completely, you will also be saying "Yes! " to all of this--yes to life, yes to service, yes to love, yes to fulfillment. So, why hesitate? Why not accept now and soak in the beauty--and then get on with this glorious life that is awaiting you?! "
**Note: The first two paragraphs did actually "came through" earlier today, but the last three came through just now, as I was writing. The two parts feel like slightly different vibrations (the first more masculine, the second more feminine), but in hopes that it all might be of benefit, I have included it all.**
And with that, I'll conclude for now. It is quite late, and I have written quite an entry, but it feels good to 'fess up--and to get back in the game. More soon!
With love, and in truth,
Jen
It fills a bit embarrassing to write again after all this time has passed. Weeks. Months. It feels like sending a letter to that friend who had made an important request or e-mailed a heart-felt, well-penned note. It's been weeks, now, since she sent that note, and many times you could have sat down, but you were busy. And you thought: "I'll have more time to sit down and really give her my full attention tomorrow. I'm a bit too worn out right now; I deserve a break. "
And so now, weeks later, here you finally are, sitting down. But your mind pokes you, chatters at you, as you type up your response. It badgers you with the hard, hurtful questions: What if she's totally given up on you by now?. . . . What if you've let her down and she no longer considers you a friend?. . . What if you bare your heart now, after these many weeks and she simply says: 'If she really cared, she would have been there for me earlier, when I needed her. She wouldn't have run away. '
Lest this sound all to hypothetical, lest it seem that I am projecting my feelings of inadequacy onto a nebulous "you", I will come out now and say it:
I am the person who does these things. I am the person who runs away. Often, and at the drop of a hat. And I am the person who follows through--compulsively, never letting myself off the hook. And so, it is a bit embarrassing to 'fess up to this. To confess that my ambitions in life are often just ambitions and rarely a chain of steps meticulously followed through--especially not when honoring that deepest of friends, the one I really want to be there for: Myself.
But I am learning, right? So, better to show up now, months out of step, totally embarrassed, and to get back in the game, then to quit and never explain. Better for you, maybe, but definitely better for myself. This, I am learning.
Honestly? It recently dawned on me that for most of my life (if not the whole darn thing) I have not wanted to be in this world, with two feet planted on the ground. I have wanted to do a good job. I have wanted to keep a secret. I have wanted to immerse myself in fantasy. I have wanted to be rescued. I have wanted to be understood. I have wanted to be LOVED (especially by other people). I have wanted to be admired--wanted to earn an easy ticket to life through one stroke of recognized creative brilliance.
But I have not wanted to live in this world. I have not wanted to craft my life piece by piece, picking up each piece of trash that I have left loitering around, cluttering my space. I have not wanted to see all that trash, because I thought it made me unlovable, unreedeemable. And yet, every time I looked, there it was: TRASH. Debt to pay. Mountains of obligations. An unclean home. An unclean mind. Moods. Depression. Elation. Grandiosity. Paranoia. And I would think to myself: This is untenable. This is unworkable. I can't do anything with all of of this trash.
Except that I know, KNOW, now that this is not true. Not true. Just because there have been many messes in my life, just because there is trash that I am cleaning up, does not mean that I am trash. No sirree. Not going to abuse myself like that any longer.
It is scary seeing the multitude of ways in which I have skillfully avoided reality, in which I have seen only what I have wanted to see. But it is also liberating. For the fear disappears when I realize that the mistakes that I have made do not mean anything about ME. They do not mean that that I am a mistake.
How sad to have lived with the belief that I must be perfect to be lovable. That I must be impressive. That I must be unemotional. I am not these things! I am an failable human being who is just as often unimpressive as impressive, who is just as often emotional as unemotional. And "Hallelujah!" to that. That is okay. In fact--That is perfect. I love and accept myself as an "imperfect" human being.
It is because I love and accept myself that I can write all of this, that I am willing to recommit, even knowing that I may falter again. It is because I love and accept myself that I can pick up each piece of trash and throw it away, knowing that any mistakes were made by a confused and hurting girl who was doing the best she could. It is because I love and accept myself that I can commit to the things that feed my body, heart and soul: Things like meditation (the art of paying attention and resting with what is); things like dancing and music (truly the lifeblood of the soul); things like letting other people into my life (knowing they do accept me and are not just there to judge and take advantage of me, as I often assume). It is because I love and accept myself that I can and will commit to doing the more mundane things that scare the pants of me--like learning to budget, cleaning out my car, learning how to organize events and book my own shows. (This latter part is very much a work in progress--I have taken only minor steps in the journey, but know it is where I need to be right now.)
Here is a message that came through me earlier today, that I wrote down earlier today, for myself and to share. I will end with this:
"Taking care of yourself is the most important thing. If you act towards YOURSELF consistently with love--if you honor yourself, comfort yourself, educate yourself, speak truthfully to yourself, then you will be able to do this for others as well. Most of the time you forget yourself: You forget yourself by seeking approval, by turning away from your heart towards your head, by believing those head voices that whine or panic incessantly, or by going on automatic pilot. I am not here to chastise you, only to show you that you do this, and to remind you that there is another way.
Do you truly seek peace? Do you deeply long for comfort, for joy and love and fulfillment? If so, know this truly: You will NOT find it "out there ". You will find it ONLY by tuning in to the center of your being--that is, your heart--and aligning the rest of yourself (mind, body, speech, actions) to that frequency. In doing so, you will find the love of God (which resides within you) and an everlasting source of peace.
You are enough: right here, right now. You do not need to improve yourself. You do not need to reject yourself or inform yourself or reform yourself into a 'better you'. In fact, there is nothing that you need to do. There is nothing that you can do to make yourself into a better person. And, thank heavens, for you are perfect as you are.
And so, I invite you to stop your worrying and to simply rest in this knowledge: You are enough. Know this--truly, deeply--and feel the love that immediately rushes in to embrace you with this knowledge. It is your own love. It is God's love. It is the love that will feed your life, resuscitate your relationships and inform your decisions from this point forward.
For this love is the truth of who you are, in fact. You are a radiant, creative being, a totally unique emanation of the SOURCE. You are here to learn in your own unique way, to serve in your own unique way, to BE in your own unique way. To be exactly as you are. And in accepting this, in accepting yourself truly and completely, you will also be saying "Yes! " to all of this--yes to life, yes to service, yes to love, yes to fulfillment. So, why hesitate? Why not accept now and soak in the beauty--and then get on with this glorious life that is awaiting you?! "
**Note: The first two paragraphs did actually "came through" earlier today, but the last three came through just now, as I was writing. The two parts feel like slightly different vibrations (the first more masculine, the second more feminine), but in hopes that it all might be of benefit, I have included it all.**
And with that, I'll conclude for now. It is quite late, and I have written quite an entry, but it feels good to 'fess up--and to get back in the game. More soon!
With love, and in truth,
Jen
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
In praise of Silence
Silence is my life's nectar.
I revel in it, drink it in at every opportunity.
It feeds me, sustains me, nourishes me, cleanses me.
It wraps me in a blanket of the sweetest, softest cotton--
simultaneously enveloping me and giving me space to breathe.
Silence warms and expands my heart,
reminds me that I have nothing to fear,
for I and it are one.
And oh, how I love playing the role of Silence:
intuitively knowing,
completely grounded,
embracing all things warmly,
and yet discriminating to the sharpest detail.
Warmth that is not silent is cloying.
But warm that arises from silence--
Ah! That is the aim, the sustenance and the achievement.
That is the life-blood, truly the love of the Divine:
It is no more or less than that.
Silence that has no warmth is not really silence--
for then, it has agenda.
It closes down; it does not include; it does not embrace.
And since silence is the space that holds all things,
how can this be?
It is merely detachment: Sustaining to the mind,
but not to the soul.
And so, my brothers, I entreat you!
Rather than close down and force detachment,
why not embrace silence and listen?
For truly, listening fully--
with the ears of the body, mind, heart, and spirit--
is the seat of all wisdom.
In this way, you connect with the earthly;
In this way, you connect with the Divine;
In this way, you connect with the other;
and in this way, you connect with yourself.
In all these ways, you awaken to Intuition
(another name for your Divine-embodied knowing),
and through Intuition, you discern
all these distinctions are but false divisions of the One.
They are all but ripples in the One Stream.
Returning to me, in my present human form,
I affirm the following as my life path:
To radiate the Heart-Wisdom of Silence;
to live fully in my body, my heart, my soul;
to listen with every pore of my being;
To embrace the Silence Knower;
and to feel the never-ending embrace
of His sweet, silent love.
This I affirm and to this I surrender:
Forever, Amen.
Om, shanti, shanti, shanti. . . (Peace, peace, peace. . .)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Eris
I have been feeling the stirrings of Eris (the Greek goddess of dischord) within me, both last night and this morning. And so, as a way to appease her, and to increase my understanding of this "dark force" (so that it might be healed and redeemed), I have decided to give her voice in a poem. If you are curious to find out more about Eris, you can check out this link: http://www.astrodynamics.net/Articles/General/Eris.htm
"Eris"
"Eris"
I am the white, fluffy cat
that once you loved,
and now you despise--
having shoved back into the
very back closet, “out of harms way”.
And here I meow, pitifully,
waiting for you help, your rescue,
while all the while I plot and plan
exactly how I will attack
when you finally do surrender and come,
exactly how I will shred you
with these menacing claws.
For I am not all sweetness and light, no!
And that is what you must have realized once,
when first you saw that gleam in my eye.
The gleam that would dare to challenge you,
(“my owner”),
the gleam that would not ever,
not once,
allow myself to be trampled on,
the gleam that said:
“I see what you do.
I see your corruption and I do not agree,
do not stand for it, not ever.
If you wish to be “my owner”,
then you must be pure,
absolutely and completely--
and this is not the way that purity looks.”
And, yet, here I am, alone,
atoning for mistakes,
if, in fact, it is I who have made them
(which I seriously doubt).
Do you think it is fun to be here
in the isolation of my own company,
when I wish for nothing more
than to regain my honor, or to wreak your destruction?
(At this point--Either will do; I care not.)
And instead, I am reduced to meowing for sympathy,
which I despise.
And instead, I must “revel”
in the blackness of this place
(when I could be white).
. . . But again, I know that you care not.
So, go on your way,
go right on your merry way,
and pretend that you are utterly happy,
and that I am utterly bad,
but one day the truth will come out,
and you will be sorry.
And I will be avenged.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Unjudging Heart (a new poem)
I am continually amazed
at the way you hold me,
so easily, unfazed,
when it seems that my head
has just exploded from dischord,
that my body has finally crumpled
into a soggy, crying mess.
Still you stand there, unjudging,
gentling picking up each tattered piece
and cradling it, gently, lovingly,
as though it is the sweetest piece of work
that you have ever seen.
You kiss each piece,
and with warmth breath gently dry it,
then glue the pieces back together,
with a lover's heart, a craftsman's hands:
"There, all better, darling.
See, no more mess.
I love you equally, no matter what,
but now, even easier, you can rest."
at the way you hold me,
so easily, unfazed,
when it seems that my head
has just exploded from dischord,
that my body has finally crumpled
into a soggy, crying mess.
Still you stand there, unjudging,
gentling picking up each tattered piece
and cradling it, gently, lovingly,
as though it is the sweetest piece of work
that you have ever seen.
You kiss each piece,
and with warmth breath gently dry it,
then glue the pieces back together,
with a lover's heart, a craftsman's hands:
"There, all better, darling.
See, no more mess.
I love you equally, no matter what,
but now, even easier, you can rest."
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Mindfulness, Commitment and Presence
So, my presence on this blog has certainly been scant, hasn't it? Which is causing me to reevaluate my level of commitment. Obviously it hasn't been so high, as I have not been posting once-weekly, as promised. And so, to bring some more structure to my often-procrastinating ways--according to which it's so easy to say, "I'll just do it tomorrow", and so a month goes by!--I will clarifying that I would really like to see an average of four to five blogs/months from myself. Feel free, dear reader, to shoot me an e-mail, if I'm not keeping up as promised. ;-)
In other realms, though, I feel like I have been much more present in the last month--particularly in the realms of organized social groups. In the last month, I have been "out and about" far more nights than not--in fact, probably about 90-5% of all nights: at my Tuesday meditation classes (one has ended and another has begun), at Greg's Wednesday reiki shares, at my Thursday Biodanza class, attending Friday night dinner group, attending a drum circle and a concert, performing at open mics, etc. (Phew!) Tonight, I have another gig, in which I'll be performing solo (voice/piano) at fellow Shambhalian Virginia Crawford's poetry book release party. It will be my second solo performance for 2011 (not counting a handful of open mics), and a number of people have promised to come, so that's exciting. I would probably be completely exhausted by this schedule if it weren't for the several hours each day (in the morning/early afternoon) that I generally have all to myself. That is very helpful, an anchor.
Another anchor for me is meditation, and I have remained committed to that over the last month, meditating most days one to two times (short sessions, averaging maybe 10 minutes). As I have generally waffled alot in my meditation practice, I am excited to have found this desire to recommit within myself. (Admittedly, attending the "Meditation in Everyday Life" class did help to bring this desire/willingness to commit to the forefront. But I have kept up with it!)
I do find that meditation is much more of a process of "joyful settling", these days, in which I give myself the space to touch the deep inner silence within myself. It is so easy to get caught up in scattered thinking--in distractions, and entertainment, and lists of things to do--and meditation is a break from all of that, a chance to settle into the stillness and peace that is always there. Today, I've begun reading a book by Sally Kempton that just arrived in the mail from Borders.com yesterday. It's entitled Meditation for the Love of It: Enjoying Your Own Deepest Experience by Sally Kempton, and though I've read only about 15 pages thus far, I think the title says alot. "Yes!", I agree, meditation is not about some kind of punishment (trying to make those naughty thoughts be still) or about some kind of "fixing anything"; it is about settling deeply into the joy and stillness of the inner self. This is what I feel right now, and why I feel like my own re-commitment to meditation is not just one of my phases of self-discipline/self-improvement, but an actually honoring of, and contacting, my own deep inner wisdom. Time shall tell, but this is where I'm at, and what I believe so deeply, right now.
Reiki has been another beautiful anchor in my life, and, though I have not been giving a lot of full-on table treatments lately, I have been enjoying the Wednesday night reiki shares. I also have been incorporating reiki into my own practice of prayer and meditation, as well as offering "spot treatments" to friends and family who might be ailing. In the past several weeks, I have taken my reiki practice to "the next level", by becoming attuned and initiated as a Reiki Master practitioner. I definitely have felt a shift in my own energetic presence--both generally and during meditation/healing practices--in the last few weeks since my attunement. But I also feel like there is a quality of inquiry emerging, asking: What does it really mean to be a Reiki Master? To some extent, I think the answer to this question is a "work in progress", not something to be solved in a single sitting. But, I do suspect, especially as someone who has studied/practiced Buddhism in depth for the last 7 years--that being a Reiki Master goes beyond just being a "master healer". I believe it extends to, in some ways, to a fundamental commitment: a commitment to the complete and total healing of the self (mind, body and spirit) and of all other beings. At some level, then, being a Reiki practitioner is essentially a Bodhisattva activity, and being attuned to the Master level is akin to taking a Bodhisattva vow. (Ironically, I have not actually taken a Buddhist Bodhisattva vow, for reasons that I won't get into right now.)
So, it appears that there are different levels of presence that one can engage in. One is the physical level of presence, of simply "showing up"--as I have been doing moreso in the social/musical world lately and have not be doing in the "world of my blog". Another level of presence is the level of deep, energetic embodiment--and this is the type of presence that my meditation and reiki practice support. (I have been engaging in other practices, including "Waking Down in Mutuality" and "Biodanza" that support this level of energetic embodiment on an interpersonal level--but more about these another time.) I know that both are important, ultimately, and that they coexist. In other words, you have to "show up" in the world first before you can embody presence within it. But conversely, you need to cultivate stillness within yourself (through deep energetic practices such as prayer, yoga, meditation, energy healing, etc.) before you can be truly effective and satisfied in the external world. It is a dance. I have very much been exploring this dance in my own life.
This is, perhaps, an inadequate summary of what has been going on in the last month for me, but it is a taste, at least: a taste of what I have been doing physically, and of what has been on my mind/heart. You will hear more from me soon--sooner than a month from now, I promise! In the meantime . . .
Namaste,
Jen
In other realms, though, I feel like I have been much more present in the last month--particularly in the realms of organized social groups. In the last month, I have been "out and about" far more nights than not--in fact, probably about 90-5% of all nights: at my Tuesday meditation classes (one has ended and another has begun), at Greg's Wednesday reiki shares, at my Thursday Biodanza class, attending Friday night dinner group, attending a drum circle and a concert, performing at open mics, etc. (Phew!) Tonight, I have another gig, in which I'll be performing solo (voice/piano) at fellow Shambhalian Virginia Crawford's poetry book release party. It will be my second solo performance for 2011 (not counting a handful of open mics), and a number of people have promised to come, so that's exciting. I would probably be completely exhausted by this schedule if it weren't for the several hours each day (in the morning/early afternoon) that I generally have all to myself. That is very helpful, an anchor.
Another anchor for me is meditation, and I have remained committed to that over the last month, meditating most days one to two times (short sessions, averaging maybe 10 minutes). As I have generally waffled alot in my meditation practice, I am excited to have found this desire to recommit within myself. (Admittedly, attending the "Meditation in Everyday Life" class did help to bring this desire/willingness to commit to the forefront. But I have kept up with it!)
I do find that meditation is much more of a process of "joyful settling", these days, in which I give myself the space to touch the deep inner silence within myself. It is so easy to get caught up in scattered thinking--in distractions, and entertainment, and lists of things to do--and meditation is a break from all of that, a chance to settle into the stillness and peace that is always there. Today, I've begun reading a book by Sally Kempton that just arrived in the mail from Borders.com yesterday. It's entitled Meditation for the Love of It: Enjoying Your Own Deepest Experience by Sally Kempton, and though I've read only about 15 pages thus far, I think the title says alot. "Yes!", I agree, meditation is not about some kind of punishment (trying to make those naughty thoughts be still) or about some kind of "fixing anything"; it is about settling deeply into the joy and stillness of the inner self. This is what I feel right now, and why I feel like my own re-commitment to meditation is not just one of my phases of self-discipline/self-improvement, but an actually honoring of, and contacting, my own deep inner wisdom. Time shall tell, but this is where I'm at, and what I believe so deeply, right now.
Reiki has been another beautiful anchor in my life, and, though I have not been giving a lot of full-on table treatments lately, I have been enjoying the Wednesday night reiki shares. I also have been incorporating reiki into my own practice of prayer and meditation, as well as offering "spot treatments" to friends and family who might be ailing. In the past several weeks, I have taken my reiki practice to "the next level", by becoming attuned and initiated as a Reiki Master practitioner. I definitely have felt a shift in my own energetic presence--both generally and during meditation/healing practices--in the last few weeks since my attunement. But I also feel like there is a quality of inquiry emerging, asking: What does it really mean to be a Reiki Master? To some extent, I think the answer to this question is a "work in progress", not something to be solved in a single sitting. But, I do suspect, especially as someone who has studied/practiced Buddhism in depth for the last 7 years--that being a Reiki Master goes beyond just being a "master healer". I believe it extends to, in some ways, to a fundamental commitment: a commitment to the complete and total healing of the self (mind, body and spirit) and of all other beings. At some level, then, being a Reiki practitioner is essentially a Bodhisattva activity, and being attuned to the Master level is akin to taking a Bodhisattva vow. (Ironically, I have not actually taken a Buddhist Bodhisattva vow, for reasons that I won't get into right now.)
So, it appears that there are different levels of presence that one can engage in. One is the physical level of presence, of simply "showing up"--as I have been doing moreso in the social/musical world lately and have not be doing in the "world of my blog". Another level of presence is the level of deep, energetic embodiment--and this is the type of presence that my meditation and reiki practice support. (I have been engaging in other practices, including "Waking Down in Mutuality" and "Biodanza" that support this level of energetic embodiment on an interpersonal level--but more about these another time.) I know that both are important, ultimately, and that they coexist. In other words, you have to "show up" in the world first before you can embody presence within it. But conversely, you need to cultivate stillness within yourself (through deep energetic practices such as prayer, yoga, meditation, energy healing, etc.) before you can be truly effective and satisfied in the external world. It is a dance. I have very much been exploring this dance in my own life.
This is, perhaps, an inadequate summary of what has been going on in the last month for me, but it is a taste, at least: a taste of what I have been doing physically, and of what has been on my mind/heart. You will hear more from me soon--sooner than a month from now, I promise! In the meantime . . .
Namaste,
Jen
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